If Tomorrow Never Comes
by Em4
Summary: COMPLETE. Set after Secrets and Lies. Carter must repeat the same day over and over until he realises who he is meant to be with...Susan or Abby?
1. All just a bad dream...

AUTHOR: Em  
CATEGORY: Humour/Romance  
SPOILERS: Takes place immediately after Secrets and Lies.  
ARCHIVE: Just ask  
DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters of ER.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Not to give the game away, but this is my own little homage to "Groundhog Day". I've been rolling this around for a while but am still a little unsure so feedback will of course be appreciated to let me know whether to keep going or not.  
SUMMARY: John Carter is experiencing the longest day of his life…over and over and over, until he realises who he is meant to be with.  
  
Part 1  
  
The alarm rang incessantly, waking John Truman Carter up with a start. He sat up quickly in bed and shot his hand out of the covers to hit the snooze button with force. He blinked rapidly and rubbed his hand across his eyes as he tried to focus on the numbers that were flashing on the display.   
  
*6.30 a.m.*   
  
He groaned and fell back against his pillows. He didn't remember setting the alarm last night: it was Sunday and he had the day off, so he had been planning a long lie-in and a healthy dose of self pity over the fact that Susan had dumped him the day before. He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes and then sighed in frustration at his inability to get back to sleep. He decided to get himself something to drink from the kitchen so he dragged himself up to a sitting position and swung his legs over the side of the bed.   
  
As he made his way towards the kitchen he started to think about the sexual harassment seminar yesterday and the reason Susan had dumped him in the first place. She was right, of course, there wasn't really any spark between them. It had just been convenient for both of them to be together at that point in time; it was never going to be anything long-term or one of the great romances of all time. As for the other thing she had said, about him being in love with Abby, he wasn't so sure about that. Of course he "loved" her. She was his best friend, or at least she had been, but was he "in love" with her? If he couldn't admit it to himself he was certainly in no position to say it to her as Susan had suggested. He didn't want to ruin what they'd had for something that might be nothing. No, he'd wait and see how things developed.  
  
He shook his head and gave a little laugh at how complicated his life was becoming as he entered the kitchen. He looked up and was shocked to find that he was not the only one awake early. He stopped short at the sight of his mother sitting behind the counter, fully dressed, with a cup of coffee in one hand and the other turning the pages of the early morning paper. She looked up from the paper over the rim of her glasses and smiled at him:  
  
"Good Morning, John."  
  
"Mom? What are you doing here: I thought you had to fly to Boston for a fundraiser?"  
  
"I do. My flight leaves in an hour."  
  
"It wasn't yesterday?"  
  
"No, its today. I'll only be gone for three days so tell Millicent not to get her hopes up…Is something wrong?"  
  
He shook himself out of his little reverie. "No, no nothing, its just I could have sworn you left yesterday. Maybe its just lack of sleep. I'll grab a glass of water and go back to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel better later."  
  
"But don't you have to go to that ridiculous little seminar today?"  
  
"No that was yesterday."  
  
"But you said it was Saturday?"  
  
"That's right"  
  
"Then its today. Honestly John, I'm starting to worry about you if you don't know what day of the week it is! Well, I'd better be moving along if I don't want to miss the plane," she walked over to where he stood frozen by the sink and kissed him on the cheek, "and you'd better hurry or else you'll be late. Good-bye darling."  
  
She breezed out of the kitchen and got into the car outside where Alger was waiting to take her to the airport, pausing only to collect her coat from the table in the hall. John remained where he was for a few minutes, trying to digest the information she had given him. He checked the date on his watch and, sure enough, it was Saturday. Wow, he thought, this is weird. I must have been dreaming. I lived the whole day. His heart rose at the thought that the whole day was a do-over, and that he had the chance to avoid the jealous confrontational behaviour that Susan had told him he had exhibited in his dream. At this his heart sank a little: Susan. If "yesterday" had just been a dream then they were still together. He wondered a little at why this did not make him as happy as it should have done. If anything he was disappointed, which only made him feel guilty. He checked his watch again and instantly snapped back to reality. He bolted up the stairs and headed straight for the shower. He had to be at the seminar hall for 8 o'clock and he barely had time to get washed and dressed before heading across town for the seminar. He wouldn't have time to collect Susan, but he gave her a quick call to say he was running late and they arranged to meet there. He got in the shower but immediately jumped out again as the water was freezing. He remembered something from his dream about the same thing happening, something to do with the pipes cracking due to the bad weather, but he brushed this off as co-incidence. He quickly finished getting ready before heading out the front door with 20 minutes to spare.  
  
  
(That's it for now. I have more but I want to see what reaction is to this before I post it. Should I bother? Please review, it's what I live for! Also I'm having a hard time trying to come up with an appropriate title so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated: the best one wins and I'll rename the fic!) 


	2. At the seminar

Part 2  
  
Carter was totally exhausted by the time he arrived at the seminar. His train had arrived at the El station late so he had had to run all the way from the platform to the lecture hall. He came tearing into the room and practically collapsed as he bent over, head between his knees, and tried to get out an apology in between gasping for breath.  
  
"I'm sorry…overslept…totally forgot…stupid El train… I ran…lots of running!" he stopped and looked up, noticing for the first time that he had been apologising to empty air. Susan, Luka and Gallant were sitting down at desks around the room looking at him with a mixture of amusement and, in the case of Luka, total unconcern. Carter looked around for the seminar leader but couldn't see anybody else. "He's not here yet?" he managed to get out, still panting for breath. He was answered by a series of 'nuh uh''s and head shakes. Boy, he felt like and idiot!   
  
He walked quickly to a corner of the room and threw his coat over the back of a chair. This was just a little weird…hadn't the seminar had started late in his dream as well? He started to pace around the room to clear his head, picking up things that were lying around and putting them down again without really looking at them. He was standing over by the large TV looking through the pile of sexual-harassment videos when there was the sound of somebody opening the door; he turned to see Abby walking into the room holding a cup of coffee and looking beautiful with her hair curling around her face…or at least he thought so. He knew he shouldn't be thinking about her like that, especially as he was meant to be with Susan, so he decided to ignore the strange feeling of dèja-vu and concentrate on hiding his feelings from Abby. He only hoped he could do it.  
  
"I thought I was late," Abby said, looking around the room at the faces of her colleagues and noting the absence of anything resembling a lecturer.  
  
"You *are* late!" Carter replied sounding a little more pissy than he had intended. They shared a look, which she was the first to break, but he continued to follow her with his eyes as he moved to the back of the room and she started to take her coat off.   
  
"Does anybody know how long this is supposed to last?" Susan asked.  
  
"All day I think," Luka replied from behind the newspaper he was reading.  
  
"What are they going to do, show us videos?" Abby asked.  
  
"Sexual harassment videos," Susan added sarcastically. Carter thought how unattractive she was when she was being sarcastic, but he pushed this thought to the back of his mind as he joined in the conversation.  
  
"Role playing and long lectures is what I heard. Acting out inappropriate behaviour. You two should excel at that," he added, indicating both Abby and Susan but secretly blaming Susan the most.  
  
"Would you drop it?" Susan asked, exasperated at his attitude. He really didn't want to be there right now, and there was something about the whole situation that was strangely familiar. He didn't like it at all.  
  
"At least I'm not the one who put that thing in Weaver's locker," Susan said accusingly.  
  
"Yeah, right," Carter replied, not really thinking what he was saying. Susan then turned to Abby who just laughed and said "Don't look at me!" Luka also denied it, smiling and shaking his finger at the two girls, and nobody even considered accusing Gallant the clean-cut medical student! Everything was quiet for a few moments and Carter was using the time to collect his thoughts when the silence was interrupted by Susan's laughter.  
  
"But you should have seen her face! God, I wish I had a camera!" she was saying.  
  
"This isn't funny," Carter said sourly, more annoyed at the fact that he had almost managed to figure out what was so familiar about this scenario and the conversation when she had started to laugh than at anything else.  
  
"Sure it is!"   
  
"No it's not," he replied forcefully. She turned around to give him a look, daring him to make a scene in front of their friends. He stared straight back at her until she broke the gaze and turned to speak to Abby.  
  
"This is going to be a very long day," Susan said. Carter couldn't help but echo the sentiment silently as he watched the woman he loved talking to his girlfriend.  
  
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The day dragged on as they waited for the lecturer to arrive. After an hour everybody was getting a little stir-crazy; Abby and Susan had gotten into a little argument over a piece of Walt Whitman poetry written on the blackboard, at which point Susan had started singing and in desperation Carter had led an abortive attempt to lead the group out of the building…he just wanted to get out of there but for some reason everybody else seemed determined to stay put! He had managed to forget his experience of 'yesterday' but it left him with a permanently bad mood. Everything put him on edge, especially the banal conversation which he was sure he had heard before, and it wasn't long before he and Susan were fighting about Mark.   
  
"What is your problem today? What are you so pissy about?" she rounded on him.  
  
"You know what my problem is," he said pointedly. Alright so he wasn't especially in love with Susan, but that didn't stop him being a little jealous. After all, she was his girlfriend, why was she seeing somebody else?  
  
"You are kidding me! Still? You are still mad about that? You know what, John, grow up!" She turned to Abby and started to explain the situation. "I spent the night at Mark's the night before last and he won't let it go. I slept on the sofa, I was on the couch and he thinks I slept with Mark."  
  
"Can we not talk about this here?" Carter leaned forward, worried. He didn't want his personal life publicised, especially in front of Abby. He darted a quick look at her to gauge her reaction. What would she think of him? Would she think he was some sort of jealous freak, or would she just think he was pathetic? Susan just continued talking, oblivious to the fact that he was uncomfortable and ignoring the looks he was sending her way:  
  
"Several years ago Mark had a crush on me," she was saying, "and now we're friends. *Friends*, which is more than I can say for us if you keep this up!" she said to Carter. This was too much for Carter; he got up and moved down to the front of the room so that he was sitting next to Carter and Abby.  
  
"Yeah, a harmless night spent in a recently single man's apartment who is still desperately in love with you!" He tried to ignore Abby's eyes on him as he sat down next to her.  
  
"Mark isn't in love with me! I helped the guy out!" Susan replied. "You know, when you find out why I was over there you're going to feel small. Very, very small."  
  
"So tell me!" Carter didn't know why he was making such a big deal out of this. He really didn't care all that much whether Susan slept with Mark or not. Mark was almost a father figure to him, he respected the guy, and he had no reason to hate him. A voice inside him said he was doing it for Abby's benefit, so that she could see things weren't serious between him and Susan, but he pushed it to one side. It was then that he heard Luka say something that almost tore his world apart:  
  
"Abby's been sleeping on *my* couch. Nothing's happened," he stated simply.  
  
Carter didn't know where to look. He stared at Luka, and then at Abby who explained that she needed a new place to stay until she found a new apartment and Luka helped her out. Carter bit on his lip to stop him from yelling out at her that she could have stayed with him. Susan noticed him trying to keep his emotions hidden and moved in for the jugular.  
  
"You're probably more upset about that than my staying at Mark's" she observed dryly.  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Carter's still stuck on you," Susan said to Abby.  
  
"Can we just change the subject!" He slammed his hand down on the desk and got up to walk away. He couldn't believe Susan had just said that to Abby! He didn't even know himself how he felt about her so he certainly didn't think she should be the one to bring it up. He turned around and his eyes caught Abby looking back at him. As soon as their eyes met they both looked away but in that instant Carter was sure he had seen something in her eyes…was it interest? Reciprocation? He wasn't sure, but as he talked at random to Luka and the rest of the group about sport and what their parents did his mind was on that look…  
  
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Carter remained in a bad mood for the rest of the day. There were some good points, like the way Abby would look over at him sometimes when she thought he wasn't looking, or the way she seemed to edge her seat nearer to his after Susan's revelation. Then there were the bad points, like getting cut whilst fencing with Luka and watching Abby tend to the other guy and not to him, or the way everybody seemed to gang up on him simply because his family had money.   
  
He was actually glad in the end when the lecturer finally turned up. At least now they could get on with it and he could be home in a few hours, away from all these personal questions. He made his way down to the front of the class with the others and sat down in front of the lecturer, determined to keep his head down and get through the rest of the day so he could just go home and curl up in bed, and hopefully forget about today!  
  
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That evening after the seminar everybody went their separate ways. Luka went back to his apartment whilst Gallant and Abby walked towards County to start their shifts, leaving Carter and Susan standing by themselves outside the building. Carter was watching Abby walk away, lost in thoughts of how beautiful she was and what a fool he had made of himself today, when he heard Susan telling him how wonderful she thought Abby was and how she didn't think anything was going on between her and Luka. Carter wondered why she was telling him this, especially when the next thing she did was ask him to kiss her…  
  
It wasn't a passionate kiss, it wasn't even a loving kiss…if anything it was like kissing his sister! Carter didn't want to be the one to admit that there was nothing there between them, but luckily for him she admitted that she hadn't felt anything either. They just didn't have any chemistry, plain and simple. They just stood there in front of each other in silence, neither of them really upset that it was over, until Susan finally broke the silence.  
  
"You should tell her," she said.  
  
"Who?" he asked, pretending not to know who Susan was talking about. They both knew she meant Abby, however, so giving up the pretence he continued. "Tell her what?"  
  
"That you're desperately in love with her and can't live another moment without her." Susan stated simply.  
  
"Really?!" he laughed.  
  
"You're hopeless!" she said, laughing too, "You'll figure it out."  
  
The two of them parted friends. Carter admitted that he was the one who put the dildo in Weaver's locker, thereby solving Susan's day-long crusade! He gave her a wink as he turned and walked off into the night, leaving her smiling after him.  
  
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As he walked along Carter felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He realised that in part his behaviour with Susan was because he wanted out of the relationship and that night she spent with Mark was the perfect excuse for him to start a fight. They were much better as friends, and the advice she gave him with regards to Abby proved that. Maybe she was right and he was desperately in love with Abby, but he wasn't going to say anything until he was sure of her feelings. After all, she was living with Luka again, and he wouldn't put it past the Croatian to manipulate the situation to his advantage. Abby was vulnerable, and perhaps she would look over one day to see Luka staring back at her, being there for her when Carter wasn't, and she'd think "why not?" She had gone out with him before so it would be easy to just slip into the old routine, an old relationship that both of them had been comfortable with….NO, he had to stop thinking like this! He was driving himself crazy!  
  
He walked up the steps to the front door of the Carter Mansion and opened it himself without waiting for the night butler. He was so distracted by the images swimming about in his head of Abby kissing Luka that he wasn't really looking where he was going…he walked right into one of the hall tables and managed to send the vase sitting on top of it flying.  
  
"Oh man!" Carter said, picking up the largest of the pieces and placing them on top of the table for the maid to clear away in the morning. "Gamma is going to kill me. This was a present from the Swedish Ambassador!"  
  
He cleared up as much as he could and then walked into the kitchen, heading straight for the fridge. He needed something to take his mind off of Abby and Luka and the only thing he could think of was to eat. He found a strawberry cheesecake sitting on a plate on one of the shelves and he pulled it out. He sat down at the kitchen counter fully intending to only have a couple of bites, but before he knew it he had eaten the whole thing! He felt slightly nauseous, but at least that feeling stopped him thinking about Abby being alone with that euro-doctor!   
  
The day had drained Carter emotionally. He could barely stand up as he dragged himself up the stairs and into his bedroom. He switched on the shower in his bathroom and felt the water temperature. He smiled as he felt the cold water start to come through warm. Thank God they got the hot water working again, he thought. He stepped into the shower and sighed as the warm water ran down his neck and back, relaxing his tired muscles. He was so glad Gamma had called a plumber in to fix the pipes as he couldn't have gone without a shower, especially after the freezing one he had had this morning!   
  
He got out of the shower and dried himself off, pulling on an old pair of sweat-pants before crawling under the covers of his bed and snuggling down to sleep. As he slept he started to think about how he should approach Abby: should he meet her after her shift ended tomorrow or should he wait until they were both on together? How would she react? And was it really the right thing to do after all?  
  
He grunted slightly in his sleep as he turned over and snuggled closer into the pillows. There was plenty of time to sort out all of these questions tomorrow… 


	3. Chasing Abby

(As promised, here is part 3. I promise that the humour will come into play soon, but again you'll have to bear with me! Thanks again for the reviews, much appreciated as always…OK, on with the story!)  
  
Part 3  
  
The ringing of the alarm clock again woke Carter the next morning. He let out a loud groan of frustration and reached out his hand to hit the snooze button. He looked over at the display, and what he saw caused him to wake up immediately. He stared at the flashing red numbers with an increasing sense of panic  
  
*6.30 a.m.*   
  
"Now I KNOW that I didn't set that alarm last night!" he said aloud to himself, remembering his experience of the morning before. There was no way he could have been dreaming again…was there? No, it had been too vivid. Something was definitely wrong here!  
  
He moved into the bathroom and turned on the shower, and whilst he was waiting for it to warm up he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't know what he was expecting to see, maybe some sort of magical explanation for the strange feeling he had about today, but it was just the same John Carter staring back at him. OK, so he looked like he hadn't slept in a month, but what else was new! He shook his head ruefully as he removed his pyjama bottoms and stepped into the shower…where he was immediately struck by a jet of freezing cold water!  
  
"JESUS CHRIST!!!" He shouted in shock as he jumped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to wrap around his shivering form. "I'm sorry, but this is not right!" he ranted to nobody in particular. "Gamma called in the plumber and that shower was working perfectly well last night. YESTERDAY it was busted so today it should be fine. Why isn't working now?"  
  
He continued talking to himself as he got himself dressed and headed downstairs. It was mostly the same words repeated over and over again: "It's Sunday, it has to be Sunday, there's no way it's Saturday. That's impossible!" He had nearly managed to convince himself of this, but as he neared the kitchen his stomach began to tighten and his sense of panic started to rise again. He could hear noises coming from the kitchen that sounded like somebody moving around getting themselves breakfast, and he knew from experience that nobody in this house was awake at 7 o'clock on a Sunday morning unless it was him getting back from a night shift. He again started to repeat to himself: "Please don't let her be in there. Please don't let her be in there. Please don't let her be in there." He turned into the kitchen and as he looked in his heart sank.  
  
There, sitting behind the counter and reading the early morning paper, was his mother. She looked up from the paper over the rim of her glasses and smiled at him:  
  
"Good Morning, John."  
  
"Mom?" His voice sounded strained and he had to practically choke out that one word. Please don't let be happening what I think is happening, he thought to himself. "Are you flying out to Boston for a fundraiser?" he again choked out the words.   
  
"I am, my flight leaves in an hour. I'll only be gone for three days so tell Millicent not to get her hopes up! Have a nice time at that ridiculous little seminar of yours today. Well, I'd better be moving along if I don't want to miss the plane. Good-bye darling."   
  
She walked over to Carter and gave him a kiss on the cheek then she headed out of the house to where Alger was waiting with the car to drive her to the airport. Carter hadn't really been listening to what she was saying, just the fact that she was really there was enough to confirm his suspicions. After she walked out of the door he rushed around the house desperately searching for anything that would disprove it: his watch showed the date as being Saturday, the vase he had broken on the hall table was in one piece again, and the cheesecake he had finished off the night before was sitting whole on a plate in the fridge.   
  
He was hyperventilating and thought he was going to pass out as the wave of panic washed over him. He took some deep breaths but that wasn't quite enough. He ran out of the front door and stood on the steps outside the mansion, brought his hands up to his head, and let out a huge scream of frustration.   
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OhmyGodOhmyGod! What the hell is going on here?!" He moved back inside and sat down at the kitchen counter, staring at the calendar on the wall and slowly digesting everything that was happening.  
  
"OK," he said aloud to himself after he had calmed down a little, "so let me see if I've got this straight. It's Saturday…again. I am living the same day over and over again…but why? What is so special about today that I'm stuck here?"  
  
He continued to sit there, thinking through his situation, when it suddenly dawned on him that he would have to leave for the Sexual Harassment Seminar in a few minutes. Oh God, he thought, not that again. He realised now that yesterday hadn't been déjà vu, he really had been through the day before. Every word, every gesture…no wonder he had been in such a pissy mood, and he had a feeling that his mood today was going to be far worse!  
  
He sighed heavily then pulled himself up out of his seat and went to put his coat on. As he picked up his bag and walked out the door he thought that this was obviously happening to him for a reason. He was obviously meant to learn something from today, perhaps make some life-changing decision that he'd ignored on previous occasions, and it looked like the best place to start looking was at the seminar.  
  
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The day went exactly as it had the day before, and the day before that. The duel, the ham acting, the role-playing, the videos…why had he even bothered coming? He had tried to keep as low a profile as possible but whenever he did speak he couldn't stop himself saying exactly the same things over again, and he couldn't keep the impatient tone out of his voice…after all, he thought, they may be experiencing this for the first time but this is my third go already.  
  
At the end of the day they were again all outside the main building saying their good-byes. Carter was watching Abby walk away with Gallant when Susan again told him he should tell Abby he was "desperately in love with her", and it was that moment that he had a flash of inspiration. Maybe that was what he was supposed to do with this day! On the previous two occasions he hadn't gone after Abby, even though he'd wanted to, so maybe all he had to do was chase after her now and tell her his feelings and he could get on with Sunday! Yes, that was it, he'd run after Abby and tell her how he felt!  
  
"You know, you'd better hurry if you want to catch her before her shift starts," Susan was saying, following the direction of his gaze and catching something of the intention forming in his head.  
  
He looked down at her and grabbed hold of her shoulders, pulling her close to give her a smacking kiss on the lips. He pulled back and grinned at her, then he quickly set off running in the direction of County General, hoping he'd catch up with Abby in time.  
  
"Thank you Susan!" he called out over his shoulder as he ran.  
  
"You're welcome!" she shouted back, laughing at his eagerness to chase after Abby. She continued to watch until he was out of sight, then she sighed and turned to walk to the El station alone.  
  
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"ABBY! Abby, wait!" Carter shouted after her retreating figure as he ran after her. She turned to see where the shouting was coming from and stopped to wait for him when she saw who it was. He was slightly out of breath by the time he caught up to her, but she stood patiently waiting for him to catch his breath.  
  
"Gallant, can you give us a minute?" Carter asked, wanting to be alone with Abby so he could say what he had to say before he chickened out.  
  
"Is that OK Abby?" Gallant asked, turning to Abby who he had offered to escort to work.  
  
"Sure, go ahead without me" she said, smiling sweetly at him. "We're nearly there anyway. Thanks for walking with me Gallant."  
  
"It was my pleasure. Good-night, Dr Carter." Gallant nodded at his Chief Resident and then turned to walk into County General for the start of his shift.  
  
Carter and Abby stood alone, watching Gallant walk away. Carter was busy thinking about how best to broach the subject of his feelings when Abby spoke up and broke the silence:  
  
"So…you wanted to talk to me about something?" She looked at him expectantly.  
  
"Um, yeah, I did, I mean I do…Can we go for a walk or something? That is if you have time before your shift."  
  
"Sure, I can spare you a couple of minutes." She gave him one of her beaming smiles and they turned to walk down by the river. When they got to their usual spot they both stopped  
  
"I'm sorry I was such an idiot today. I made a fool of myself and there was no excuse for my behaviour…"  
  
"And?" she said, sensing that there was something else he wanted to say.  
  
"And…Susan and I broke up. Well actually she dumped me."  
  
"Oh, I am sorry Carter. Did she say why?" Abby said sympathetically and looked at him with concern.  
  
"Actually she did," he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and shifting his feet. "She said that there was no chemistry between us…and that I was in love with you." He looked up at her, hoping for some sort of reply, but she was just staring at him in shock. "Abby?" he said, trying to shake her out of her daze.  
  
"…Oh," she said finally.  
  
"And I think she's right. I mean, she and I were never going to work out. I was curious, she was an old crush of mine, but it wasn't anything serious. I mean we've never even slept together!"  
  
Abby continued to look at Carter in silence, unsure what to make of what he was saying. Carter took her silence as a good sign and he took a step closer to her, and when she didn't back away he moved closer still. He lowered his head so that his lips were practically touching hers, his breath mingling with hers that was coming in short gasps. He closed his eyes and bent down to capture her lips with his in a kiss, gentle at first, but becoming increasingly passionate as they both lost themselves. He moved his arms underneath her jacket and around her waist, pulling her closer to him as he deepened the kiss. His tongue continued to explore her mouth as his hand moved underneath her jumper, feeling the bare skin of her back.   
  
Suddenly she jumped as if somebody had just poked her with hundreds of needles and pulled away from his embrace. She was breathing heavily after the passionate nature of the kiss and he tried to read the emotions in her eyes: a mixture of desire and…hurt? It couldn't be, could it?  
  
"Oh God, I can't believe I just did that!" she said, touching her swollen lips with her fingers.  
  
"Abby, there isn't anything wrong with what we've done. I'm not with Susan anymore, it's OK."  
  
"This is so typical of you Carter!" she yelled, distancing herself from him. "Two months ago I stood on this very spot and laid my heart out for you but you just trampled all over it! And now because things didn't work out with Susan you come running to me as some sort of consolation prize? Well it's not good enough! We both know that I deserve better, and so do you!"  
  
"That's not what I meant. Abby, please listen…"  
  
"What could you possibly have to say to me, John? I won't be anybody's back up! I want somebody who will deal with me for what I am, with all the insecurities and uncertainties; somebody who would serenade me and not care if he made a fool out of himself. I don't have the faith to believe you're that man!"  
  
"But why not Abby? I love you, I promise I'll be there for you!" he said desperately.  
  
"Like you've been there for the last two months?" she said accusingly. "Like you were there when I got beaten up? Like you were there on my birthday?" She could see him flinching under her verbal attack and she decided to drive the final point home. "Like you were there when I started drinking again?"  
  
His face darkened, and all thoughts of appeasing her went out of the window as he rounded on her. "You're drinking again? How could you be so stupid Abby? What were you thinking?"  
  
"Maybe I wasn't thinking! Maybe I thought I'd go speak to my best friend about it but he was too busy with his new girlfriend to notice that my life was falling apart around me! You know what," she said, throwing her arms up in the air and starting to walk away from him, "I'm done here. I don't have to go through this with you. It's my life and I choose not to live it by the Gospel according to St Carter!"  
  
"Abby, where do you think you're going?!" he shouted, running after her and grabbing her arm, forcing her to turn and look at him.  
  
"Let go of me, John!" she hissed, shrugging herself free of his grip. "I am going to go to work now, and I'm going to try and forget that I was ever in love with such an arrogant asshole as you! Why don't you go back to Susan, have your little blonde trophy wife, and then maybe we'll all be happy."  
  
Saying this she turned and stomped up the nearby steps and across the road to the hospital. He continued to watch her for a few moments then turned to walk back to his house. He was repeating the day so that he'd follow Susan's advice and declare his love for Abby. Well, he'd declared it and look where that had got him! She obviously didn't feel the same way about him, and he wasn't going to go through this little dance of theirs again. He was done with it. If she wanted him to be with Susan he would; he'd go over there first thing in the morning before she started her shift and tell her that he'd made a terrible mistake and wanted to give them a second chance. He was sure she'd say "yes".  
  
He had worked himself up into such a state that he couldn't get to sleep right away when he got home. He made himself a huge bowl of popcorn and placed himself on one of the large sofas in front of the television in the rec-room. He sat up watching cheesy old black and white movies, not really watching them but thinking about what he would say to Abby when he would next see her. She had made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with him, but she was the last thing on his mind when he finally got to sleep in the early hours.  
  
  
  
(Well, what did you think? Worth continuing? Is it getting any better or am I straying from the point? Oh, so many questions, so little time! I'll hopefully have the new chapters ready to post in the next few days but I'm trying to finish off my other fic so keep your eyes peeled.) 


	4. Suddenly Susan

(Okay, again thanks for all the great reviews. I'm glad this one is being so well received. Just to warn you, this is the Carsan chapter I mentioned. Don't worry! It's only the one chapter as I am a total anti-Carsan and, as this chapter attests, I'm not very good at writing it! Carby will follow, and that is a promise.)  
  
Part 4  
  
"Oh God!" Carter groaned, switching off the bleeping alarm clock.  
  
Waking up in his own bed he realised that he was yet again stuck in the Sexual Harassment day. He had fallen asleep on the couch so unless Gamma had managed to carry him up the stairs, change him into his pyjamas, and tuck him into bed without him noticing, this was Saturday again.   
  
He dragged himself out of bed and went into the bathroom to wash. He wasn't in the mood for yet another cold shower so he simply splashed cold water on his face to wake himself up and brushed his teeth before getting dressed and heading downstairs.  
  
Carter walked into the kitchen and grunted a reply to his mother's greeting. She was talking to him as he moved around the kitchen making himself breakfast but he just switched off...he'd heard it all before, and his mother's conversation was hardly interesting the first time around!   
  
He was busy thinking about his resolve of the night before: he had tried telling Abby that he loved her but she had just rejected him so that obviously wasn't what he was meant to do otherwise he wouldn't be here, still stuck in Saturday. "If the one thing I was supposed to do was admit my feelings to Abby," he reasoned to himself, "then today would be Sunday, I would still be curled up in bed, and Abby would be beside me! No, that obviously wasn't it. Susan was wrong, maybe...Susan! That's it!"  
  
His mother was just about to head out of the house when the idea hit him; he lifted his head up and tried to call her back.  
  
"Hang on a sec, Mom! do you think I can catch a lift with you and Alger before you head off?"  
  
"Of course you can, darling." She stopped in the doorway and turned to smile at him. "Where do you want me to drop you?"  
  
"Um, could you just drop me over at Susan's? There's something I want to talk to her about before the seminar starts."  
  
"Ah, yes, that silly little seminar. Well, we'd better be getting a move on, don't want you to be late for all those sexual miscreants!"  
  
Saying this she took Carter's arm in hers and they both walked out of the house to where Alger was waiting with the car.  
  
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The car pulled away leaving Carter standing outside Susan's apartment building. He looked up at her window and took a deep breath as he tried to psyche himself up for what he was about to do. Finally he gathered his courage and walked up the steps to the main door, where he pressed the intercom and waited for her to reply. After a few minutes a voice answered.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi Susan, it's John, can I come up?" he asked, bendind down to speak into the intercom.  
  
"Um...yeah, okay, sure. Come on up." The buzzer sounded and he opened the door, walking up the stairs to her first floor apartment. It felt like months since he had last been there, the morning they had discovered the stupid dominatrix' bag that caused them to go to the sexual harassment seminar in the first place, although thinking about it it had only been a week ago. Although to Susan it was only yesterday. He'd have to remember that!  
  
He knocked on her door and waited for her to answer. Within seconds she had opened the door and was standing in front of him, dressed in a track suit and with her hair a little out of place...he'd obviously interrupted her getting ready! Hopefully she won't be too unhappy about that, he thought as he looked at the slightly pissed-off expression on her face.  
  
"Hey Carter, what are you doing here?" She held open the door and gestured for him to enter, which he did. She closed the door and waited for him to answer. He turned to face her and started to speak.   
  
"I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour yesterday. It was totally uncalled for and I should have known that I could trust you. I was jealous and I should have been big enough to admit it yesterday."  
  
"Wow! And yeah, you should have!" she said, staring at him as he made his confession.  
  
"So does this mean that you forgive me?" He looked at her with his puppy-dog gaze, knowing that there were few women who could say 'no' to him when he gave them that look.  
  
"I guess I can this one time," she smiled coyly at him, then pointed an admonishing finger at him, "but just make sure it never happens again mister!" She started to inch closer to him, playing with her hair and twirling it around her finger as she approached.  
  
*Alright,* he thought, *so we're playing that game are we? Okay then, I'll play along!*  
  
"I'll do my best!" He smiled and pulled her towards him, slowly closing the distance between them until their lips met in a slightly messy kiss, but since Susan didn't seem to have a problem with it he just kept going. After a few seconds Carter broke the kiss and pulled her into an embrace.  
  
"So," he said, idly pushing some stray strands of hair behind her ear, "do you want to get some breakfast before we go to the seminar?"  
  
"Hmm, I'd rather stay here a little longer," she moaned, snuggling closer into his chest, "but I suppose we should be getting a move on. Maybe we could buy bagels for everybody; sort of an apple for the teacher type of thing!" She laughed at her attempt at a joke, as did Carter.  
  
"Okay then, grab your coat and lets get going. I didn't have time for breakfast at home and I'm starving!" He took hold of her hand and together they walked out of her apartment to enjoy what would hopefully be a better day than the one before.  
  
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Carter had spent the day draped over Susan, giggling like a couple of love-sick teenagers. It was all an act on his part, but he was determined to make a go of this. After all, he thought, she might be the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And if she can get me out of this God-forsaken seminar then I'm perfectly willing to declare undying love for her!  
  
Their constant touches and glances did not go un-noticed by the rest of the group, especially Abby. On a number of occasions she looked like she was ready to kill Susan, she even started a fight about Walt Whitman of all things! When they got into a huge bust-up about the virtues of being a nurse instead of a doctor it was again Abby's fault, picking a fight about the most innocent of comments. Carter watched her with satisfaction. Good, she was finally feeling a little of what he had felt for the last two years, watching somebody you like make a complete fool of themselves over the most inappropriate person! He settled down in his seat and watched the two women eye each other up hostily. He could get used to having two women fighting over him!  
  
His satisfaction was short-lived, however. Luka, sensing that Abby was about to make a big scene, came to her rescue and put his arm around her to lead her away from Susan and back to her seat. Watching the way she leaned so easily against the Croatian's shoulder Carter felt a sudden surge of jealousy which only increased when the older man turned to him and suggested he go and see to Susan. Like he needed Luka to tell him how to treat a girlfriend, Mr "hit first-ask questions later"!  
  
He went over to the closet in the corner of the room and started to pick the lock. He hadn't intended to do that today, he was going to be the bigger man, but at the moment all he wanted was to be facing Luka with a sword in his hand. Maybe that would wipe the sanctimonious look of his face!...if only he could get Gallant to shut up about breaking the rules for five seconds. Did that boy never loosen up? He hoped he hadn't been like that when he was in med-school.  
  
"Got it!" Carter announced with satisfaction, finally getting the door open.   
  
"Great, now we're felons," Gallant deadpanned.  
  
"Oh, shut up Gallant!" Carter said rather harshly, causing the med-student to take a few steps back. Carter went inside the closet to pick up the fencing equipment that he knew was waiting inside, pretending to be surprised when he came out holding a couple of epees.  
  
"Look what I found," he said, brandishing the swords. "I used to fence in college."  
  
"I fence," Luka said, leaving Abby and getting up to join Carter. "I learned when I was acting."  
  
"You fence too?" Carter replied a little too innocently. "I never knew that! How about we have a little bit of a knock-around?"  
  
"Sure, why not?" Luka took the epee Carter was holding out to him and the two men began to clear a space where they could fight.   
  
"Are you ready?" Luka asked, brandishing his epee a few times in the air.  
  
"Bring it on gel-boy!" Carter settled into position and waited for Luka to make the first move.  
  
Luka thrust forward but was quickly blocked by Carter. They continued to trade parries for a few minutes, gradually becoming more intense as time went on. Luka managed to break through Carter's defence and nicked him on the arm. Immediately he stopped and dropped his arms to the side, afraid that he had hurt Carter.  
  
"Are you Okay? We should stop if you're hurt."  
  
"No, I'm fine," Carter said as he bent down to pick his epee off the floor.  
  
"Are you sure? It's no problem to..."  
  
"I SAID I'M FINE!!"  
  
"Alright, alright, let's start again. En Garde!"  
  
They started to fight again with a renewed intensity...at least on Carter's part! Yet again he was being made to look a fool by the euro-doctor and it wasn't an experience he especially liked! Luka aimed low so Carter took advantage and hit him on the back. Luka responded by lashing out at Carter's epee, striking him in the face and drawing blood. Carter couldn't stand it anymore: five times now he had fought Luka and each time the man managed to make him lose his cool! He suddenly saw red and charged at Luka, tackling his body and bringing him to the ground. They continued to grapple until the others came to pull them apart. Susan pulled Carter to one side of the room whilst Abby checked out Luka on the other side.  
  
"That man is a crazy bastard!" Carter said to Susan. "He could have killed me!"  
  
"It looked like it was mutual," Susan replied unsympathetically.  
  
"Am I going to need stitches?" Carter asked as Susan continued to probe the wound. All the while he was trading glares with Luka and watching Abby tenderly searching Luka's body for injuries.  
  
"You barely even need a band-aid!" Susan laughed, then stopped when she saw where Carter's attention was focussed. "I can ask Abby to come over and check you out, if you prefer."  
  
*Shit* he thought, giving himself a mental kick. He was supposed to be making a go of things with Susan, so why was he making a fool of himself with Abby yet again? He shook his head and turned his attention back to Susan.  
  
"Don't be silly. I'd rather you did it." He smiled and took hold of her hand, pulling her slowly towards him for a kiss. It wasn't the best kiss he'd ever had, but if he closed his eyes and wished hard enough then he could imagine she was somebody else.  
  
She pulled away from him and licked her lips, still tasting him. When she realised the others in the room were looking in their direction she blushed slightly, and Carter couldn't help but think she looked almost pretty when she blushed. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad working on things with her!  
  
At Susan's urging he went over to apologise to Luka and they came to a sort of uneven truce that managed to last the rest of the day. And as for Abby...Carter was the first to admit that he stole a few glances her way when he thought she wasn't looking! However, as he was soon to find out there were other people who DID notice the direction of his gaze...  
  
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Another seminar down, another series of farewells outside the building, and again Carter found himself standing alone with Susan. He couldn't help but watch Abby walk away...he didn't want to, but it was like some unknown force drew him to her and he was powerless to stop it. His thoughts were interrupted by Susan, who had noticed where he was looking and was determined to say something.  
  
"She's pretty great."  
  
"Who?" Carter asked, although he knew she meant Abby.  
  
"Abby," Susan explained. "I didn't think I'd really like her but I do..."  
  
"Why wouldn't you like her?" Carter asked, genuinely interested why the two women wouldn't like each other when they had so much in common.  
  
"Do I even need to answer that?" Susan laughed. She then looked down to the ground and stopped laughing before returning her eyes to his. Her tone softened as she continued. "I saw the way you looked at her today. You should tell her...that you're desperately in love with her and can't live a moment without her."  
  
"Oh..." Carter said, not really thinking about what he was saying. He was just fascinated by the way everything seemed to come back to Abby. "We're still friends, right?"  
  
"No, I hate you!" Susan joked. "Night Carter," she said, reaching up to kiss his cheek before turning to walk back to her apartment.   
  
Carter watched her walk away and pulled himself out of his daydream. "What am I doing?" he said to himself. "I'm supposed to be making things work with Susan and I just let her walk away while I moon over Abby! What an idiot!"   
  
"Susan, wait up!" he shouted, coming up alongside  
  
"What's up Carter?"  
  
"Um, I've been thinking. I don't want to be your friend."  
  
"What do you mean?" She looked at him confused, waiting for him to clarify what he meant.  
  
He gave a little laugh at the similarity of this speech to the one he gave Abby a few months ago, and if he remembered rightly (which he did because every word Abby had ever said to him was indelibly stamped on his brain) her reaction had been exactly the same. This time was going to be different, though. This time he was going to make himself say what he meant instead of walking away and letting the woman deal with everything alone.  
  
"I mean that I don't want to break up with you, Susan. I'm not in love with Abby...really I'm not!" he said off her look. "She's just my best friend and I don't want her to make the same mistake with Luka she did before. He's a good guy, and a great doctor, but he's no good for her."  
  
"Okay," she said slowly, taking in what he was saying, "she's your best friend...so where does that leave us?"  
  
"I think what we have could be really great," he said, taking hold of her shoulders and looking down into her eyes. "I think our problem is that we've known each other so long that we're having trouble taking it to the next level. I mean, you see me as John Carter, medical student, instead of John Carter, Chief-Resident. I've grown up but you've still got this old image of me stuck in your head."  
  
She had been watching him closely as he had spoken, and he could see that she was weighing up and evaluating what he was saying. When he had finished he saw her nodding, agreeing with what he was saying.  
  
"You're right. I mean, I'm still a little afraid that I will be pulled up by Kerry for breaking hospital policy every time I hold your hand at work! But I shouldn't be. I'm an attending, you're a resident." She looked down at the ground and took a breath before continuing. "So maybe we should consider taking this to the next level."   
  
He continued looking down at her until she raised her eyes from the ground to meet his. "Are you sure?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, I think I am," she smiled nervously.  
  
"Okay," he smiled back at her, gently placing a kiss on her lips and pulling her into a hug. "So, my place or yours?"  
  
She laughed at his joke. "I think mine would be best, seeing as we're right outside!" Without realising it they had walked all the way to her apartment, talking all the time. "So, do you want to come up for a coffee or something?"  
  
He just took hold of her hand and followed her silently into her apartment, where he took her into his arms and gave her a deep, lingering kiss. He felt her respond, and they slowly started to undress each other and make their way to her bedroom...  
  
Lying there later, holding Susan's sleeping form in his arms, Carter thought back on what they had just done. It may not have been the best sex he had ever had, but he had certainly had worse. It was...he searched for a word...*nice*. That was the best word for it. It had been slow, tender, and they had both enjoyed themselves. (At least he hoped she had, and not that he wasn't modest but he knew he was good that night!) As he drifted off to sleep Carter thought that if this was the thing he was meant to do right, that he was meant to be with Susan, then there were worse things he could do than wake up to Susan Lewis every morning. With this thought in his head Carter placed a gentle kiss on the top of her sleeping head, and settled himself down to sleep, hoping that he wouldn't wake up in the morning to the sound of his alarm...  
  
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*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep*  
  
He woke up and looked around at the familiar surroundings of his room (the bed, the curtains, the bloody alarm clock) and he fell back against the pillows.  
  
"Oh Crap!"  
  
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(Another chapter down. I hope this one wasn't too rushed. As I said I don't like writing Carsan so I did gloss over Susan's scenes just a little bit! The next one will hopefully be a return to form, assuming I have a form to return to! Please let me know anywhere I can make improvements, any suggestions of what you think Carter should do next, I live for your feedback!) 


	5. Snapping

(Just a really quick chapter here. I had some of these passages written but I didn't know whether to put them at the beginning or the end so I thought "Why not put them in a chapter of their own?" Hope you like.)  
  
Part 5  
  
(Several repetitive weeks later)  
  
*6.30*  
  
"Would you just SHUT UP!" Carter threw the covers up over his head and shouted into his pillow at the alarm clock. If he ever got himself out of this he was going to destroy any alarm clock that got in his way! He threw the covers back reluctantly and carried on with his routine. After what seemed like years of reliving this day he could do it in his sleep, and as he got himself ready he kept a running commentary of his actions.  
  
"Stand up…Stretch...Six steps to the bathroom…Pick up toothbrush…Four brushes back and forth…Turn on freezing shower…" etc.  
  
He trudged wearily down the 39 steps to the kitchen and poured himself a strong cup of coffee, hoping that it would make the voices in his head stop. It was only after a few minutes that he realised the voice in his head was actually his mother speaking; he'd just gotten so used to ignoring her that he forgot she was there! He pulled himself up out of his seat, mechanically went over to his mother and kissed her good-bye, wishing her a good trip, and headed out the door to go to the seminar.  
  
He didn't know why he still kept going every day, (it wasn't like anything new was ever said after all), but he thought it might have something to do with the interaction. Carter had never realised it before but he actually needed human contact, even if it was with people who were so mind numbingly dull that it made him want to grab the nearest baseball bat and club them over the head!  
  
Carter entered the lecture room a few minutes late to find everybody already seated and waiting. He looked over at Luka who was still reading the same paper that Carter could now recite word for word, at Abby who was investigating the hall, and at Susan who was glaring at him, obviously still upset over the fact he hadn't called her to say he was going to be late. He glared right back. He knew Susan was great, *really* great, but he was sick of pretending he was still in love with her every day.  
  
Things were worse the morning after they slept together. At first he had been upset to wake up in his own bed to the realisation that nothing had happened and he was again stuck in Saturday, but this very quickly gave way to an enormous sense of relief. This meant he wasn't meant to be with Susan! She wasn't the one! He was free! No longer condemned to spend the rest of his life having mediocre sex with somebody who, frankly, annoyed him!  
  
Once he had realised that he and Susan definitely had no future Carter began to resent the fact that he was tied to her. That every night they broke up but every morning they were back together again. Suddenly all the little things about her that he had found cute when he was a med-student or when they first got together were now grating on him. The way she chewed her food, the way she was constantly touching him in front of Abby as if she owned him or something, the way she called him "Carter" instead of "John", and the way in which she carried on with a joke when it was no longer funny or when nobody really cared! Today was a total case in point:  
  
Listen to her, he thought, talking about that bloody dildo again. Doesn't she have anything else to talk about. Every day it's the same thing. 'It was you…no, it was you. Was it? Or was it you?' Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And her voice…when did her voice become so annoying? It's like a chipmunk with a smoking problem. Not even one of the cute chipmunks like Theodore, more like that annoying one that was Alvin's girlfriend…what was her name? Bethany? Brittany? Not that it matters. Think about something else John, maybe there's a section of the medical dictionary you haven't covered yet…She's still talking! At least she's left Abby alone for a change, but what has Gallant ever done to her? What is she saying to him?  
  
He decided to leave his thoughts and tune in again to what Susan was saying to Gallant. He had missed Gallant saying what Weaver had said to him after she caught them with the dominatrix' bag but he was just in time to hear the question that he knew was coming.  
  
"…Is that why you put the dildo in Weaver's locker?"  
  
"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SUSAN!" he snapped. "How old are you?! What does it matter?! You want to know who put that stupid dildo in Weaver's locker? It was me! OK? It was me. I know there is no possible reason why it should have been me but there was nobody else who could have done it so I did it. Are you happy now? Can we get back to the seminar?"  
  
"Carter, I wasn't…" she started to speak but Carter interrupted her.  
  
"And another thing, did you honestly think I lost my virginity when I was 11?" After what seemed like months of listening to the same idiotic chatter Carter had finally snapped. He was going to tell everybody what he thought of them and to hell with the consequences…because he knew there probably wouldn't be any! "I mean, come on Susan, who the hell has sex when they are 11 with a 25 year old? Have you heard of a little term called 'Child Abuse'? Because that's what you'd call it if a child came into the ER and told you the same story. But I suppose because it was me that makes it funny. 'Good old Carter, butt of the ER joke machine'! Well I'm sick of it, you hear me? Sick of it! Maybe somebody should say something about that yellow fuzz you've had on your head since you came back to Chicago! Or the fact that you're not as fresh as you used to be! How would you like that? Yeah, not so nice when you're the one being ridiculed is it?"  
  
Everybody just stared at him. Carter was seething and looked like the next person to try to speak to him was going to get yelled at as well. He just gave everybody in the room one last look and then grabbed his coat off the back of his chair and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He could hear Susan burst into tears and Abby go to comfort her but he didn't care. This may have been the first time they'd heard it but try it for a couple of months and you'd behave exactly the same way!  
  
He stomped off down the street, not really looking where he was going. After walking for what seemed like miles he found himself in front of the ER and realised that he hadn't been inside there for weeks. He found himself overcome with an overwhelming desire to practise medicine again so he stomped into the doctor's lounge, picked his lab coat and stethoscope, then walked to the admit desk to see if there were any cases on the board. Thank God Kerry wasn't here otherwise she'd probably frogmarch him back to the seminar or suspend him, possibly even both.  
  
"Hey Dr C." Randi said as he arrived at the desk, "I didn't think you were on today. Don't you have that pervert class to go to?"  
  
"I do, but I'd rather be here. Let Weaver yell at me on Monday. So anything interesting for me?"  
  
"Yeah, vampire bite in 3," she said handing him the chart.  
  
"Did you say 'vampire'?" He took the chart from her and looked at the history.  
  
"Yep. Says Count Dracula is trying to recruit her for his army of the un-dead. You might wanna hurry 'coz he's apparently coming back for her at Sundown to finish off the job." she deadpanned.  
  
"Ok," he laughed, "thanks Randi." He headed towards Curtain area 3 and walked in to greet the patient.  
  
That day he threw himself into his work; finally, if only for a few short hours, he felt alive again. Just doing something different was enough to lift him up a little bit. He left just before he knew Abby was due to start he shift. He didn't want to answer any awkward questions about why he had snapped and why he had walked out of the seminar.  
  
He got home in the early evening and took a long, warm shower before turning in for the night. Although he had been happy earlier a sense of despair had set in. Okay, so today had been slightly different, but if he did the same thing tomorrow then it would quickly become the same. Same patients, same complaints, same traumas. Nothing would really change and there was nothing he could do about it. He settled down to sleep with this depressing thought in his head 


	6. Punxatawney or Bust!

(This sees the introduction of the humour I was talking about…I hope! I want to dedicate this chapter to everybody who has emailed me with suggestions for which direction to take this, but especially to my good friend Joycelyn Solo who has pointed out to me from the beginning that you can't have a Groundhog Day fic and not have Punxatawney Phil make a little cameo appearance…I hope this is what you had in mind!)  
  
Part 6  
  
*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep…*   
  
*SMASH*  
  
Carter brought his hand down onto the top of the alarm clock with a force, smashing it to pieces. Why should he care? It would just be beeping at him again 'tomorrow' same as it did every day. He sat up wearily in bed and stared straight ahead of him. If only there was some way to end it, he thought…and then it came to him; an idea so perfect he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it earlier. If he was living the whole day over and over again, then maybe the way to stop it would be to stop living. Genius, he thought, but how to do it? Well, he thought, if you're going to go, why not go out with a bang?!  
  
He rose from the bed with a renewed spring in his step, surprisingly chipper for somebody who had decided to commit suicide. He went into the shower and stepped into the stream of water.  
  
"HOLY F***!!!!" he shouted as the cold water hit him. "Every single time!" he muttered as he jumped out of the shower and started to dry himself off. He got dressed quickly and skipped down the steps, whistling a little tune as he went. He went into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee pot, not even bothering to look towards the counter where he knew his mother was sitting.  
  
"Good Morning, mother" he sang. "Not in Boston today? Of course not, your flight lives in an hour, how silly of me. Oh well, must dash. Things to do." He swigged down his coffee, banged down the cup on the side, and then left the kitchen quickly. As he left and headed out the front door he shouted over his shoulder at his mother.  
  
"I'm taking Alger, Mom, you'll have to find some other way of getting to the airport…not that it will make any difference 'coz you're just going to be going again tomorrow!" he added under his breath.   
  
"Where to, Master John?" Alger asked as Carter sat down in the back of the car.  
  
"Place called Punxatawney, Alger. Fast as you can!"  
  
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The door to the seminar room was kicked open with such force that it slammed back against the wall. Everybody jumped in surprise and turned towards the noise to see what had caused the commotion…Carter stood there, grinning like an idiot and holding some sort of hairy bundle with whiskers.  
  
"Dr Carter I presume," the seminar leader said in his boring monotonous voice. "You're nearly 6 hours late. I'm going to have to put that in your assessment."   
  
"And you were over 3 hours late so maybe I'll put that down in yours!" Carter replied cheerily, walking right past him so that he was standing in front of Abby, Luka, Susan and Gallant, who were all wondering how he knew the seminar had started late if he hadn't been there.  
  
"Where were you, John?" Abby asked, concern evident in her voice.  
  
"Yeah. And what the hell are you holding there?" Susan asked, obviously less concerned about the almost-disappearance of her 'boyfriend'.  
  
"It looks a little like a Groundhog," Gallant offered helpfully, "Also known as a woodchuck. Latin name 'Marmota monax'. They spend most of the winter in hibernation and some people believe that they have the ability to predict the changes in the Seasons."  
  
Susan gave him a look that said, "You need to get a life" and then turned to look at Carter: "What the hell are you doing with a Groundhog Carter?!" she said.  
  
Carter was jumping up and down with excitement. In his present state of near-hysterical madness he found it hilarious to see the look of utter confusion on the faces of his friends. After weeks and weeks of living the same day over and over again Carter had finally lost his grip on sanity. Oh well, it had been nice while it lasted! Now he was going to enjoy his descent! He decided to make the introductions.  
  
"Everybody, this is Phil. Phil, this is everybody. Say 'hi' Phil!" He held out the groundhog in front of his face and took hold of it's front paw, waving it up and down to make it look like it was Phil waving at the bemused group in front of him. "'Hi Phil'!" he said in a silly affected little voice, pretending to be the voice of Phil! He brought Phil back down again and began to laugh insanely at his own joke.  
  
The others in the room looked at him as if he had grown another head.  
  
"Carter, are you OK?" Susan asked, getting up from her seat and slowly walking towards Carter.  
  
"Me? I'm fine. Never been better." He was still giggling and held out Phil towards her. "You should ask how Phil is, though. He feels left out when people assume he can't understand them and don't talk to him!"  
  
"OK…how are you Phil?" Susan put on her best 'I'm-dealing-with-a-total-lunatic-please-call-psych' voice and continued to walk towards Carter and Phil, holding out her hand as if for an introduction. "Maybe we can all sit down and get to know each other better?"  
  
"HA!" Carter gave a short hard laugh. "He's a Groundhog, stupid, he can't talk to you! DUH!! Honestly, Susan, I thought you were supposed to be an intelligent Doctor." He rolled his eyes and spoke in an exasperated voice, like a child trying to explain the rules of a computer game to an adult. "Anyway, Phil can't talk in any case because we're going for a little drive, aren't we Phil?" he asked the groundhog.   
  
"Yes we are John," he answered himself in the silly groundhog voice.   
  
"So I guess we should be on our way. Say 'bye to everybody Phil."  
  
"Good-bye everybody!" the 'groundhog' answered as Carter helped him wave again.  
  
"Well, I guess that's us done then. It was lovely knowing you all, and I hopefully won't be seeing you tomorrow! Good-bye." He turned and walked out of the lecture room, carrying Phil with him.  
  
"Carter! Wait! Where are you going? What do you mean go for a drive? What are you doing? Carter! Talk to me!"  
  
Carter could hear the voices of his concerned colleagues calling after him but he just ignored them, carrying on a conversation with Phil as he walked down the stairs and out of the building to the bright red pick-up truck he had left waiting outside. OK, so Phil was a groundhog, but Carter actually thought they were having quite an intelligent conversation. In fact after the past few weeks any conversation that didn't contain the word 'dildo' or 'virginity' was ok by him!  
  
"So Phil, do you want to drive or shall I?…You? Well, don't let me stop you!" Carter stationed himself in the driver's seat so that he could operate the pedals, and with Phil in charge they pulled away from the kerb with a screech, sending everybody in the vicinity running!  
  
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(Inside the Seminar Room)  
  
Susan, Luka and Gallant were looking out of the window at the red pick-up truck that was swerving over the road. Gallant had a pair of binoculars with him in his bag and was busy training them on the truck.  
  
"What the hell is he doing?" Susan asked to nobody in particular.  
  
"We should have stopped him. Somebody should have gone after him!" Abby was nearly hysterical, and was pacing up and down the room trying to calm herself down.  
  
"What could we do? He was fine yesterday, maybe in a bit of a bad mood, but we didn't know he was going to do something like this," Luka reasoned, walking over to her and putting his arm around her shoulders.  
  
"Luka's right," Susan said, also turning away from the window. "Carter isn't stupid, he wouldn't do anything to intentionally endanger himself. He's probably just lost control of the car or something. You'll see, he's one of the most careful drivers I know."  
  
Gallant had remained at his observation post by the window, like a good little soldier, and at this point his voice piped up and joined the conversation.  
  
"Dr Lewis…I can't be sure, but I think that the groundhog is driving…"  
  
"WHAT!!!?" Everybody ran to the window and Gallant handed them over the binoculars…  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(Inside the Pick-Up Truck)  
  
Phil was looking decidedly unimpressed, his little paws on the steering wheel trying to control the truck as Carter sang along loudly to the chorus of a tape he had found in the glove compartment.  
  
"DON'T TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY-BREAKY HEART, I JUST DON'T THINK HE'D UNDERSTAND…Come on Phil, you're not singing!…AND IF YOU TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY-BREAKY HEART, HE MIGHT JUMP UP AND KILL THIS MAN! WOOO!"  
  
The music carried on playing in the background as Carter decided to carry on his conversation with Phil.  
  
"OK, so I can see you're not a fan of Billy Ray Cyrus. Can't say I blame you. He's a bit of an acquired taste, but with a song like that you just have to sing along, don't you?…Oh, so you're not talking to me now! Look, I'm sorry but this is the only tape that was in the truck and I can't help it if the owners were country music fans. You ever think it might be your fault? I mean if you'd been 'Cleveland Phil' or 'New Jersey Phil' then maybe I would have stolen this truck from people with better taste in music. It's not my fault that you chose Punxatawney, a living breathing "It's a Small World After All". …Are we friends again?…Good, I'm glad we got that sorted out. So where to now?"  
  
They were still swerving all over the road but by now they had attracted quite a following. Carter looked in the wing mirror and saw that there were several police cars following him, flashing their lights in an attempt to get him to pull over. He smiled…his plan was working, and it was only made more perfect when he saw the cop in the front car pull out the mouthpiece to speak through the loudspeaker.  
  
"Dr Carter. We know it's you in there. Stop the car immediately. We have you on charges of reckless driving, grand theft auto and kidnapping a groundhog. Don't add resisting arrest. Pull over."  
  
Carter eased off the accelerator and helped Phil bring the truck to a stop just alongside the pier. Carter switched off the engine and watched as the police cars screeched to a halt and formed a ring behind him, effectively cutting off any escape route…or so they thought! As they opened their doors and aimed their firearms at the pick-up truck Carter turned to Phil and grinned.  
  
"So what do you think Phil? Should we 'Thelma and Louise' it?"  
  
Phil just turned his little groundhog head and scrunched up his nose, which Carter took as acknowledgement.  
  
"Man after my own heart! Okay then," he turned the key in the ignition and revved the engine, placing his hands on top of Phil's paws on the steering wheel, "let's go for it!"  
  
With that he pressed his foot on the accelerator down to the floor, sending the truck speeding off the end of the pier and straight into the water! As every body watched in horror at the quick descent of the truck underneath the water, Carter was laughing maniacally. At last! It was finally going to be over! He had ended it! It was such a relief to him…Phil just scrunched up his nose and looked bored. *Oh well* he thought *at least they aren't going to wake me up next year to ask me if it's going to be winter for another six weeks. Maybe this will make them spring for a newspaper so they can look at the forecast like everybody else!*  
  
With that the truck dipped under the surface of the water, and Phil and Carter were no more. Until…  
  
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(Well, so much for the first suicide attempt. Any suggestions for the next way you'd like to see him go? This is the perfect opportunity for all you Carby haters to sharpen your claws and tell Carter to take a running jump…although I've already written that part! See you soon with another instalment.) 


	7. I sweated blood to write this chapter

(Sorry it's taken me so long to update, but a lot of you know that I've been having some problems with this chapter for a while now. I'm posting it but I'm not happy with it, and I may even rewrite it and post it again later. For now I just wanted to post something so that you wouldn't forget about me and think I'd disappeared off the face of the earth! Thanks to all those who sent suggestions for Carter's demise: in the event I only used Joycelyn's because (and please don't be offended) I became bored writing them and I thought it would probably be even worse reading them! Anyway, as I say, if I get the time when I've finished I will expand on this and add them in. Please read and try to enjoy, despite the dire nature of this chapter!)  
  
Part 7  
  
*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep*  
  
Carter woke with a start and sat bolt upright in bed. He looked over at the alarm clock that was still beeping at him and resignedly switched it off. The last thing he remembered was hurtling towards the water in the pick-up truck and now here he was again, sitting in his bed and wishing he could throttle whoever it was who had invented alarm clocks. So much for committing suicide and ending this little merry-go-round!  
  
He trudged wearily into the shower and was once again shocked awake by the jet of cold water. He stepped out of the shower and looked up at the heavens, shouting to nobody in particular: "Would it hurt you so much, just once, to cut me a f***ing break???"  
  
He then finished getting dressed and walked out of the front door with only a brief 'hello and good-bye' to his mother...Well, he thought, I may be losing my mind but I still have manners! As he walked along the road that would take him to the sexual harassment seminar he started to wonder why his little act of self-destruction had failed. It had seemed so logical, like the ultimate loophole. Maybe it was the way he died that would make a difference, maybe he hadn't done it properly and he should try again just to make sure. He stopped to take a look at his watch.   
  
*7.32*  
  
Carter had been walking this same route practically everyday for the last few months so he was familiar with the routine of it all. In exactly 30 seconds a white HGV would be coming around the corner a little too fast and he intended to be there to meet it...  
  
Right on cue he heard the sound of the horn as the truck came around the corner, warning pedestrians of its' presence. As soon as it was within range Carter stepped down off the pavement and into the road, facing the truck head on. The driver noticed Carter but it was too late for him to stop and there was not enough room for him to swerve away, so he sounded the horn to get him to move out of the way. Carter however stood rooted to the spot. His only concession to movement was to raise his hands and place them in front of his body, seemingly believing in his fragile state that he was Superman and that this gesture might actually slow down the impact of the truck. He closed his eyes and waited.  
  
The second Carter felt the impact his eyes shot open...something was wrong here! He looked down and saw that he was being carried down the street by the truck, his shoes skidding along the road and smoking like in an old cartoon. He looked up through the windscreen and saw the look of amazement and horror on the driver's face: the poor man couldn't believe he'd hit Carter or the fact that Carter was still there, looking at him...saying something to him...what was it? He tried to read the words Carter was mouthing..."Looks like...*You*...*stupid*...*idiot*...*brake*...Oh my God!!!!!"  
  
The driver slammed on the brakes and immediately Carter went flying through the air, landing with a crash on the windscreen of a car thirty feet down the road. He looked up and gave a little smile as he thought that maybe this time he had been successful, and then he allowed his head to flop back against the car as his eyes closed and everything went black...  
  
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When he 'woke up' the next morning Carter could feel what little was left of his sanity slipping further away from him. After having failed to be killed by a speeding truck he was beginning to doubt his little theory about death being an escape clause. Although he had been stuck in Saturday for months now he was feeling particularly weary this morning and all he could think about was relaxing in a nice, long, warm bath, but then he remembered that the hot water was out and he was condemned to yet another cold shower...or was he?   
  
He walked into the bathroom and instead of heading towards the shower as he usually did he went over to the deep bath and turned on both taps. Water started gushing into the tub at a quick rate, filling it with icy cold water. Whilst the bath was running Carter stepped out of the bathroom and started to dig around in his closet for something he knew was in there. Not caring about being neat he was throwing things out left and right as he fought his way to the back to find what he was looking for. Eventually he found it, and with a chuckle of satisfaction he pulled a moderately large package out of the closet and carried it into the bathroom. He turned the taps off and stared at the almost full bath with a smile of almost psychopathic glee. Turning to the package he pulled a few layers of plastic away to reveal a space heater; not a particularly big one but certainly big enough to do the job Carter had in mind.  
  
"It can heat a room...no reason why it can't heat a bath as well!" he reasoned to himself as he plugged the heater into the socket behind the bath and flicked the switch. He undressed himself and stepped gingerly into the cold water, immediately feeling the goose-bumps rise on his flesh. Shivering slightly, teeth chattering, he moved forward slightly and picked up the space heater with both hands from his standing position. He held it out slightly in front of him and, taking a deep breath, he dropped it into the bath...  
  
**!@#*!!@##**!!!!*@*@*###*****!@#*!!@##**!!!!*@*@*###*****!@#*!!@##**!!!!*@*!@  
  
Sparks were flying everywhere, the lights came on and off because of the power surge. Eventually the power cut off and Carter remained momentarily shocked to attention, his hair sticking out at all angles from where the current had rushed through his body and a strange pained grin plastered on his face. After a moment, as the last shock of electricity left his body, Carter's grinning body collapsed backwards out of the bath and landed with a thud on the floor.  
  
(Downstairs in the Carter Mansion)  
  
The lights in the kitchen and the rest of the house flickered on and off very rapidly for a minute or so, causing Eleanor Carter to look up from her paper in confusion.  
  
"Now I wonder what that was all about?"  
  
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(Imagine several different suicide attempts that I couldn't be bothered to write otherwise the chapter would be too long and too repetitive!)  
  
Weeks passed during which Carter had been killed in practically every conceivable manner and situation. Each subsequent attempt had made him that little bit more jaded if it weren't for the fact that he had already tried to commit suicide he would have said that he had lost the will to live! Up until this point he had avoided all contact with his friends and colleagues, preferring to go mad and wallow alone. This particular morning, though, he felt a morbid compulsion to seek out his fellow human beings and let them see a little insight into what his life had become.  
  
After he was woken up he lay in bed for a long time thinking about what he was going to do when he got to the Seminar. Eventually he managed to summon together enough energy to get out of bed and drag himself over to his wardrobe where he threw on an old pair of pants and a shirt. He went down the stairs and out of the door, walking towards the sexual harassment seminar as if he were sleepwalking.  
  
He walked through the door and started to move across the room, not looking to his left and ignoring the greetings of everybody in the room as he strolled over to the window and threw it open.  
  
"What are you doing Carter?" Everybody asked together.  
  
"Yeah Carter it's freezing outside, we don't need the window open. You want air, go outside." Carter turned and looked at Susan who was making a pantomime 'freezing' movement, crossing her arms across her chest and rubbing her arms vigorously.   
  
"It's not for the air." He stuck his head through the window and looked down, judging the distance between the ledge and the ground. It obviously satisfied him because he drew his head in and turned to smile at the assembled group. "See ya!"  
  
He climbed out onto the ledge and took one last look behind him before flinging himself over the edge and towards the hard ground below. The shouts and cries of his colleagues followed him down...Abby's voice especially sounding all that was pained and heartbroken. The look on her face stayed with him as he neared the ground, registering shock followed by disbelief and then an intense sadness in a moment as he fell off the ledge. In the split second before he hit the ground Carter had a moment of realisation, or as near to it as he was going to get given his past history with sudden realisations! Hopefully this one would be right, and if he actually survived the impact and woke up the next morning he would know for sure.  
  
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(Next Day)  
  
As soon as the alarm went off Carter hit the switch and reached for the phone that sat on his bedside cabinet. He dialled a number from memory and waited for the person at the other end to pick up.  
  
"Hello?" a voice answered groggily on the other end.  
  
"Hi, it's me. Listen, I've got to talk to you now. It's really important."  
  
"Carter? What time is it? ...6.30!!! I wasn't going to get up for another hour!" There were some shuffling sounds at the other end of the line as she rearranged her bedclothes and got herself settled for the conversation. "Okay, what is it?"  
  
"Not on the phone. I have to tell you face-to-face...Please, it really IS important. I'll be at Doc Magoo's in half an hour. I'll see you there."  
  
She sighed. "Okay, Carter, see you there." He then put the phone down and got dressed, tearing out of the house to be at the diner before she got there.  
  
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(Half an hour later)  
  
Carter was sitting in a booth in Doc Magoo's nursing a cup of coffee and occasionally eating a mouthful from one of the many plates of food collected in front of him. The realisation that had hit him on his descent yesterday was so great that he knew he had to share it with somebody. He couldn't keep what was happening to him a secret anymore; it was too big, and he had to share it with somebody. Finally a little after 7 o'clock the person he had been waiting for came running into the Diner out of breath, looking frantically about her until she saw him sitting in a booth. He smiled at her as she walked over towards him.  
  
"Alright, what was so urgent you couldn't wait to see me at the seminar?" Abby dropped into the seat opposite and stared, waiting for him to explain.  
  
"Abby, you look beautiful this morning..."  
  
"Cut the crap, Carter!" she exclaimed tiredly. "I get a phone call at 6.30 telling me to meet you at Doc's in half an hour, that it's an emergency. I'm not even awake yet, I didn't have time for a shower and my hair is a mess: what was so important it couldn't wait until the seminar?"  
  
Just at that moment the waitress came along and brought the rest of Carter's order. In addition to the giant plate of pancakes, the chocolate sundae, the cheeseburger and fries already on the table she brought two orders of fried chicken, a plate of pasta, a plate of waffles and a large jug of syrup. "Will there be anything else?" she asked, pulling out her pad from the pocket in her apron.  
  
"Um, I don't know, let me check. Abby, do you want anything?" Carter turned to Abby and noted the mingled look of curiosity and disgust as she looked at the array of food in front of Carter. She shook her head and watched as Carter returned his attention to the waitress.  
  
"No, we're ok here. Just another couple of cups of coffee please."  
  
"Sure thing." She walked off and returned with a cup for Abby and the coffee pot in her other hand. She filled both of their cups and then went away, leaving Carter and Abby to talk.   
  
Carter was attacking the food with relish, taking a bite out of the cheeseburger and then spooning a load of pancakes into his mouth, squeezing syrup all over the waffles before shoving some fries in his mouth. Abby just looked at him, fascinated by the amount of food he was eating.  
  
"What?" he asked, becoming a little uncomfortable under her gaze.  
  
"You're supposed to be a Doctor. Don't you know what that stuff's doing to your body? I can practically hear your arteries harden as we speak!"  
  
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," Carter said, his voice muffled by the mouthful of cheeseburger he was in the middle of swallowing. "I can't die. It doesn't matter what I eat because nothing can happen to me." He leaned in closer, causing her to do the same, and whispered into her ear as if relaying a confidence. "I think I'm a God."  
  
"Excuse me?" Abby paused with the coffee cup half way to her mouth and stared at him in open-mouthed amazement.  
  
"I can't die. I've been shot, stabbed, drowned, electrocuted, crushed, hung...nothing works. I AM a God!"  
  
Abby laughed out loud causing the customers and staff at the restaurant to turn and look at her, trying to work out what was so funny. Abby couldn't stop laughing and moved her eyes to look at Carter, expecting to see him joining in with her laughter. When she saw the look of earnestness her laughing started to subside but she was still smiling. When she saw him frown she suddenly stopped laughing and her face fell. "Oh my God, you're serious!"  
  
"Of course I'm serious. Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"I...I honestly don't know Carter. Maybe because it's CRAZY!!! What on earth makes you think you're a God?"  
  
"Well, you may think that yesterday was yesterday and today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow but in actuality yesterday was months ago, today is always Saturday and there is no tomorrow!" He had said this all in one breath and found that he needed to stop at this point. Abby took the opportunity to digest and make sense of what he had just said before he continued. "I have been stuck in this Saturday for months now, I gave up counting a long time ago. At first I tried to change things about the day, then big things, but nothing seemed to make any difference. So then I thought I'd try to kill myself but that didn't make any difference. I think I've died nearly 20 times but every morning I still wake up in my own bed as if nothing happened. I stopped going to the seminar a long time ago." Whilst Carter was talking Abby listened quietly, sipping her coffee and taking what he was saying with a large grain of salt. He noticed that when he mentioned committing suicide she stopped drinking and stared at him intensely, but she said nothing until he was finished.  
  
"Okay, let's say I believe you for a second," she said hesitantly. "What do you expect me to do about it?"  
  
"Me? Nothing! I just wanted to tell somebody about me. Share it with someone else, maybe let them bask in my reflected glory!"  
  
"So this was all about you, was it? I'd have thought that you'd have had some words of wisdom to impart, seeing as how you're a God," she added dryly.  
  
"I don't understand..."  
  
"Well, there's obviously something you were meant to do today but you didn't. You're not a God, John; I don't honestly know what is happening to you. If this is all real then you've been handed a wonderful opportunity to fix your life, to learn from your mistakes...do you have any idea of the number of people who would kill for an opportunity like that? And what have you done with it? You've discovered that jumping out of a plane without a parachute can lead to getting smashed to pieces!"  
  
"Never tried that one!" Carter muttered to himself, making a mental note to maybe try it at some point. "It's not like that's the only thing I've done with my time," he said, getting up from his seat and throwing a large bunch of bills on the table. Abby got up to follow him and they continued talking as they left the diner and walked towards the seminar. "I was stuck here for weeks before things became bad enough to make me want to do that."  
  
"Alright," Abby said, "so what big thing did you try to change? You decide to take the Rolls instead of the limo?"  
  
"Nooo! I...I decided that it was time to move things forward with...with a certain lady." Carter was becoming nervous as he tried to explain himself without saying too much. "I told her how I felt about her, that I loved her, and she blew me off." He looked away from her, afraid that she knew who he was talking about.  
  
"Well maybe you didn't tell her right!" Abby said jokingly, causing Carter to return his gaze to her and regard her intensely...had she guessed who it was they were talking about? "I'm guessing that you just blurted it out, didn't prepare her or give her time to react and take in what you had said."  
  
Carter nodded and then asked in a tight voice, "So what would you have done?"  
  
"Let me think...first off I wouldn't have blurted it out like that. I'd have taken her out to dinner, her favourite restaurant, let her know that I'm serious and I pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. Then, oh I don't know John...get to know her. Find out the type of music she likes. Maybe serenade her; some girls go for that type of thing..." she trailed off.  
  
"Do you like that sort of thing?" he asked, interested.  
  
"I wouldn't say no, although I'd probably be as embarrassed as hell!" Abby blushed a slight shade of red, as if she was admitting a weakness. "It's a romantic gesture. Make her 'feel' you love her before you tell her, then maybe she'll find it easier to believe you."  
  
"So what you're basically saying is that I should woo her?"  
  
"No, I'm saying you should turn on the romance a little, use a bit of the Carter charm we've all heard so much about...I don't think anybody has tried to 'woo' a girl since Jane Austen was around!"  
  
They both laughed a little, and when they had stopped Abby became serious and stared deep into Carter's eyes. "She's lucky to have you Carter," she said, trying to sound cheerful but not exactly able to hide the hint of jealousy in her voice.  
  
"Who?" he asked, genuinely confused. He had thought that they both knew she was the woman, but obviously she had gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick.   
  
"Susan, the woman who blew you off. If she's the reason you're going through all of this then she's got to be something special, and I hope it works out for you." They stopped walking and looked at each other. Abby had a strange glint in her eyes, they looked almost like tears and Carter was slightly puzzled by the fact that she should be telling him to stay with Susan with such a sad look. Could it be that she really cared for him? Suddenly the look in Abby's eyes changed and clouded over with something that Carter could only call desire. It was more than matched by the look in his own eyes as he inched his face nearer to her. Their eyes closed simultaneously as their lips were almost touching...when a voice interrupted them, causing them to jump apart and look away guiltily!  
  
"Good Morning Dr Carter! Good Morning Abby!" Gallant walked past them and waved as he mounted the steps and walked through the main doors to get to the seminar.   
  
Abby laughed nervously and stepped away from Carter, the mood broken "Looks like we're here," she said, putting her foot up on the first step and turning to him. "Shall we go up?"  
  
"I'll be there in a little while...I just need to go and think for a bit." He was still breathless from being that close to Abby, from nearly kissing her. He knew then that whatever he had tried telling himself before was rubbish. He HAD to be with Abby! She was the only thing that had made him feel alive in a long time, he realised that now, so he had to work out some way of being with her. He walked away from the lecture building and started to head for home when her voice caused him to turn.   
  
"So you still think you're a God?" she called out after him.  
  
He smiled. "I'm beginning to wonder if I make that good a job of being a human being," he said quietly to himself. As he walked back home he thought about everything Abby had said. He wasn't a God, she had made him realise that that was a stupid idea, but what next? How to go about romancing her?  
  
It looked like he was going to have to go back to the seminar in the morning...  
  
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(End of another chapter. The next one will be better I promise...I know I say that a lot but this time I mean it. I'll try to have it up by the weekend. Thanks for all the reviews and support. I really appreciate it and it makes me feel bad that I repay you with tripe like this! Please review and I'll have even more reason to work harder! Em) 


	8. Unashamed plugging of Walt Whitman, Star...

(Before I start there are a couple of author's notes for this part. You've probably already gathered this but I wanted to clarify that, unless otherwise stated, a series of short line like this '--------' means another day, not necessarily the next one. It could be, or it could be several days later. Also I apologise for the gratuitous quoting of Walt Whitman: John Wells started it and I'm just taking advantage of the situation!)  
  
(Okay, now I have a confession to make. The reason this instalment is late is because I abandoned you...only temporarily, but I abandoned you nonetheless! I got paid on Friday so I went out and bought the first Season of The West Wing on DVD so my computer has been occupied all weekend with watching the disks and devouring all the Josh/Donna fics I could lay my hands on. I'm sorry, and I hope this chapter makes up a little for the lateness.)  
  
  
Part 8  
  
Carter sat quietly at the back of the lecture hall and watched a chastened Abby remove a cigarette from between her lips and place it back in the packet. She looked like a little girl who had been caught eating sweets before dinner as Gallant told her off for attempting to smoke, and Carter couldn't help but laugh quietly as she turned around and tried to occupy herself with something else. She was staring at the writing on the blackboard, probably trying to place the obscured quote when Susan, observing what Abby was doing, tried to start up a conversation.   
  
"I think that's Whitman," she said, also reading the writing on the blackboard. "Somebody erased most of it, but 'To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing..." that's 'I sing the body electric.' "  
  
"Oh yeah, I know that one," Abby replied, deep in thought as she tried to remember the rest of the quote.  
  
"You know Whitman?" Susan asked, genuinely interested, but Abby as ever decided that she was going to take this the wrong way. Carter could practically hear her roll her eyes as she turned to reply.  
  
"Don't sound so surprised."   
  
"No! It's just that not a lot of people do," Susan said in defence of herself, trying to make peace with Abby. "I mean, how many of you guys know him?" she turned to her left to include Gallant and Luka in her field of vision. They both admitted to only a cursory knowledge of him, and Susan was about to return to her conversation with Abby when a voice drifted over her right shoulder:-   
  
" 'I have perceived that to be with those I like is enough,  
To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,  
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing   
flesh is enough,  
To pass among them or touch anyone, or rest my arm ever so   
lightly round his or her neck for a moment, what is this   
then?  
I do not ask any more delight, I swim in it as in a sea.' "  
  
While he was talking everybody had turned to look at Carter, who had effortlessly tossed of the rest of the quote that was written on the blackboard. Abby had listened to him entranced, edging closer to him as if she were in a dream and couldn't stop herself. He had made eye contact and had spoken the last part directly to her, as if there were nobody else in the room. They continued to stare at each other until the silence was broken by Susan...('Boy' he thought, 'she's certainly good at that!')  
  
"*YOU* know Whitman?" Susan asked incredulously, hardly taking Carter for a poetry buff.  
  
"Doesn't everybody?" he asked, reluctantly breaking eye contact with Abby to look at Susan. "Actually this is one of my favourites." He returned his gaze to Abby and could see that this little fact had raised him in her estimation. He smiled. He wasn't going to say that after establishing she liked Whitman he had gone home and searched through his Gamma's library to find this particular quote and had spent the last week reading and memorising everything he could by the poet. It looked like it was doing the job, though, because Abby moved to take a chair beside him and starting to talk to him in a better mood than she had been in all day.  
  
"So when did you start liking Whitman?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, it seems like five minutes but at the same time it was months ago," he said enigmatically before carrying on. He had been planning this exchange for days, and now that it looked like he had the perfect opportunity. "I always carry a volume of 'Leaves of Grass' with me if you want to read it?"  
  
"Sure." Abby shifted her chair nearer to his as he bent over to reach into his bag and pull out the leather-lined volume he had grabbed out of the library on his way out that morning. Abby took the volume from his hands and casually flipped the pages until she came to the title page and noticed the print date.  
  
"Oh my God, Carter, this is a first edition!" She gasped and ran her fingers lovingly down the pages. "Where did you get a hold of this? Susan, come look at this."  
  
"What is it?" The blonde doctor asked as she came over and took a seat beside Abby.  
  
"Carter's got a first edition of Walt Whitman," she said as she carefully handed the volume over too Susan.  
  
"Oh my God! And you brought it in in that silly little bag of yours? Do you have any idea how much a book like this is worth?"  
  
"It's just a book!" he laughed at the two women who were pouring over the book as if it were made of precious metal.  
  
" 'Just a book?' It's a very expensive book!" they chorused at him.  
  
"It's only money!" The second the words had left his lips he regretted saying them. He knew that Abby was sensitive about the subject of money, specifically *his* money, and on every other occasion the subject had arisen at the seminar she had become defensive. He could see that look in her eyes now.  
  
"Well, I wish I could be that dismissive of money," she said, closing the book and handing it back to Carter. "And to think for a second I thought you'd sprung a couple of bucks at a book-store like the rest of us mere mortals." She ran her hand one last time over the cover of the book before getting up from her seat and resuming her place at the front of the hall.  
  
"Great!" Carter whispered under his breath. He knew he'd misjudged this one: Abby was always ready to take offence at the slightest thing and he'd just jumped right in and given her a reason to pull away from him again. He watched the back of her head for the rest of the day as this was the only view she would let him have of her, and formed a plan to change his actions the next time...  
  
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"...I always carry a volume of 'Leaves of Grass' with me if you want to read it?"  
  
"Sure."   
  
Carter reached into his bag and pulled out an old dog-eared book which he passed over to Abby who looked over it with interest.  
  
"This is falling apart Carter, you must have read this a hundred times at least." She turned over pages at random, careful not to rip out any of the few remaining pages that were still attached to the binding. She stopped when she appeared to find something that interested her. "Wow! And you made notes as well..."  
  
"I did? ...I mean I did." Carter moved his chair across to look over her shoulder. "Remind me again what I wrote?"  
  
"You don't remember?" she teased him, moving the book away from his line of vision.  
  
"Of course I do! It's just I made those notes when I was in school and...and your interpretation changes as you grow older...and...and why are you laughing at me?"  
  
Abby was smiling at Carter and laughing quietly, finding great amusement in Carter's discomfort. She managed to stop sniggering for a few moments and looked into his face. "Admit it Carter, you can't read your writing either! Honestly, this is even worse than that scrawl you use to fill in charts!"   
  
"Yeah...I guess I decided I should make my writing more legible if I was going to be a doctor!" She started laughing again and he joined in with her. He was just relieved that she hadn't noticed the writing wasn't his, or that this was in fact an old second-hand copy he had found in a store on his way over. He had figured that 'yesterday' Abby had thought he was taking his wealth for granted yet again, treating a first edition as if it were a dime-store copy, and that a much better way to impress her would be to show her a cheap and well-loved book. On his way home the night before he had stepped into the store and found the book at the back, so first thing in the morning he had rushed over to buy it before dashing over to the seminar. Truth be told he hadn't bothered to look inside the book other than to check the publisher's date so Abby's little revelation about the notes had been news to him. Well. He wasn't going to be the one to set her straight!  
  
They talked and laughed about nothing for a while until he heard Abby sigh with contentment. He looked around the room; Susan and Luka appeared deep in conversation about something Carter didn't care about, and Gallant was busy Drilling down by the blackboard. Sensing that Abby had something on her mind he turned in his seat to face her.  
  
"What are you thinking?"  
  
"I'm thinking that there's only one more thing that could make this moment perfect," she said dreamily.  
  
"Oh yeah?" He smiled and leaned a little closer towards her. "And what would that be?"  
  
"Coffee...I didn't have time to wait in the queue this morning otherwise I would have been late and I need my caffeine fix to fully appreciate the poetry."  
  
Carter didn't bother listening to the rest she had to say. The idea formed as soon as he heard the word 'Coffee'...  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Here you go Abby," he announced, brandishing a steaming coffee cup underneath her nose.  
  
"What is it?" She looked up and her eyes brightened a little as she saw the coffee cup Carter was carrying.  
  
"Vanilla latte, half caf, extra foam. Your favourite!" He appeared proud of himself and smiled smugly, a feeling that soon passed when he saw how disappointed Abby was.  
  
"Hazelnut," she stated simply, lowering her gaze to the paper she had borrowed from Luka.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Hazelnut. My favourite is hazelnut. Vanilla gives me hives."  
  
"Oh." His face fell. Yet again he had managed to offend Abby. She probably thought he had forgotten all about her, and hadn't he just proved it? What kind of friend forgets the way a friend takes their coffee! He moved to the back of the room, placing the cup in front of Luka as he went, and waited for the next day...  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Here you go Abby."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Your favourite: hazelnut latte, half caf, extra foam."  
  
"Um, okay, thanks," she said awkwardly as she took the cup from him.  
  
"What's the matter?" He saw the look of uncertainty on her face and wanted to know what he had got wrong this time.  
  
"Don't think I'm not grateful, because I am, but I don't think I'm the only person in this room that likes coffee." She jerked her head slightly and he noticed the glares being sent by Susan and the inquisitive glances of Luka and Gallant. Wonderful, he thought...  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Abby: hazelnut latte. Luka: black, one sugar. Susan: skinny cappuccino. Gallant: diet pepsi." Carter walked around the room distributing the coffee cups and accepting everybody's surprised thanks, then returned to stand in front of Abby. "Anything else?"  
  
She looked at him in puzzlement. "Why would there be anything else?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe you think I should have bought a cup for the janitor!" He knew that was uncalled for but the last week spending every morning in the same Starbuck's queue, trying to perfect Abby's order, being served by the same dejected student, was beginning to get on his nerves a little. He walked to the back of the room and dropped into his usual seat, waiting for the opportunity to work his magic with Whitman again...  
  
~~~~  
  
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful until the seminar leader arrived. There were no duels, no catfights about the superiority of doctors over nurses, and no obvious jealous fits. Even Susan seemed to realise that nothing was going to come between Carter and Abby and that she should give up trying.   
  
At the end of the day they gathered outside the building to say their good-byes, and Carter persuaded Abby with very little difficulty to allow him to walk her to work. He had spent the day, as he saw it, being all that was charming and good. He had even been nice to Luka which took a hell of a lot of effort (although he had to admit that the guy wasn't so bad once you got to know him), so the prospect of being alone with Carter didn't scare her as much as it normally would.  
  
Seeing as they had a few minutes to spare before the start of her shift they decided to go for a short walk down by the river. Before they knew it they had arrived by their usual spot  
  
"How is it that we always end up by this bench?" Abby asked as she sat down.  
  
"Well I didn't want to admit this," Carter replied as he took a seat beside her, "but I think it's because we both follow each other and neither of us wants to be the first to walk in a new direction."  
  
"So you're saying we walk all this way from the hospital, even though Doc's is across the road, because we're lazy?" She tilted her head to the side and smiled at him, causing him to smile back at her.  
  
"No, I'm saying that we've found something...I mean some*where* where we're both comfortable and it's easier for us to slip back towards it than strike out for pastures new." He looked down into Abby's eyes and could see that she was a little uncomfortable with the direction their talk was taking.   
  
"Carter I don't think I..."  
  
"Let me finish. Abby, our friendship is something easy for the both of us. I know we've not been close recently, and I know a lot of that is my fault, but look how easily we both slip back into it. We were meant to be friends...but I think we could be so much more; it's just neither of us wants to make the first move in case it ruins our friendship and we neither of us want to face losing that. But I can't go on like that anymore. I want to be more with you Abby. I know we'll be great together. Can't you take a chance on us?"  
  
He stopped talking and looked down into her face. She appeared to be in a daze as she tried to digest what Carter had just said to her. Was it a declaration of love? He wasn't sure himself, but he knew he had to say or do something quickly before Abby had too much time to think and ran away from him again as she always did when somebody got too close to her. Impulsively he leaned forward and kissed her firmly on the lips. It was clear she was surprised at first, but as he leaned in for a second kiss he could feel her relax and melt into the kiss. The feeling of her gloved hands at the back of his neck was driving him crazy, and all he could think of was getting her into a bedroom so he could feel his flesh against hers.  
  
"So do you want to go back to my place?" he asked, kissing along her neck. "We can phone in sick for your shift and...get a cup of coffee or something..." he added suggestively.  
  
He could sense the change in Abby immediately. It was as if somebody had poured cold water on top of her and woken her up from the daze that his kisses had put her in. He stopped kissing her when he realised she was no longer kissing him back and sat back to look into the eyes of a very angry Abby, a sight he was getting to know well.  
  
"That's what all this has been about?" she shouted. "I should have known How DARE you! You know for a second there I thought you might be different. I mean you bring coffee without being asked, you recite poetry, you make me laugh, but when everything comes down to it you're just..." she searched around in her mind for an appropriate insult, "...you're just a *man*!"  
  
She drew back her hand and brought it sharply across his cheek.  
  
*SLAP*  
  
He winced from the impact her hand had made and immediately brought up his hand to his cheek in an attempt to soothe the throbbing pain. He stared at the image Abby's figure produced as she walked angrily away from him and gave a bitter laugh.   
  
"Now why is this a familiar scene?" he muttered to himself. Oh well, back to the drawing board. He'd just have to find some other way to phrase it tomorrow that would produce a different effect...  
  
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The day at the seminar had progressed much the same as the day before. Carter had been the perfect gentleman and had managed to persuade Abby to once again let him walk her to work. He took her down to the riverfront and started up the conversation from yesterday, trying to remember as much as possible from the speech he gave that had appeared to do the job. He leaned in to kiss her and found her responsive. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and softly traced the line of her jaw with kisses until he reached her lips, where he resumed his welcome assault. He soon found himself desperate to be closer to her, but learning from his previous attempts he knew that all suggestions they go to his place or her place would be met with a sharp slap. He drew away from her slightly and placed a kiss on the tip of her nose, and one on her forehead, before bending his head to her ear and whispering into it the revised statement he had been thinking of all day.  
  
As he spoke Abby's eyes shot open.  
  
*SLAP*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
*SLAP*  
  
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*SLAP*  
  
"Would it kill you, just for once, to just say 'No'????" he shouted at her retreating back. He started to walk back towards home when he remembered something else he'd wanted to say. "And by the way *OUCH*!!!" he shouted.  
  
Five days and still she kept slapping him. This was obviously the wrong approach! He rubbed his cheek and groaned inwardly as he realised that this now officially meant he only had one other idea to use, and suffice it to say there was a reason it was his last choice...  
  
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(And that's all she wrote! I swear on my mother's grave...I should be so lucky...that I will have a new chapter up by the weekend if I have to lock my annoying, whining, precocious little brat of a nephew into a room to get some peace and quiet!) 


	9. I've come to the conclusion that Susan m...

(Sorry it has taken me so long to update. Suffice to say that my little brat nephew not only made his presence known this weekend, but he had several little friends to help him! Anyway, we are now in the closing straits, only one more chapter after this one, so I'm sorry but the mushy stuff is going to come into play now. I hope that it doesn't disappoint as it is a bit rushed. Enjoy.)  
  
Part 9  
  
The alarm woke him up the next morning, as usual, and he managed to drag himself out of bed and into the shower. Bracing himself for the day ahead he actually relished the cold shower when it hit him, giving him the opportunity to clear his head and think through what he was about to do...he wasn't really going to go through with this, was he? What was he, some sort of glutton for punishment?   
  
He thought about this for a second and admitted to himself that where Abby was concerned, yes, he was something of a masochist. The fact that he had stayed close to her over the past two years waiting for something to happen even though he knew that Abby would never let anybody stay close to her; the fact that he could have done anything with this opportunity to relive this day over and over again, learned to speak another language or play an instrument, but he had chosen to spend them at the seminar just so he could see Abby; the fact that no matter what she did to him the day before he always came back for more. These were all things trying to tell him something, no question about it.  
  
He was a sick man.  
  
He dried himself off and got dressed before heading downstairs to the kitchen. He turned the corner and prayed silently that she would still be in there. He really wanted to speak to somebody  
  
"Hi Mom." He walked over to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. If she was a little surprised by this show of affection she didn't show it, but she did look at him with a renewed sense of interest.  
  
"Is there something wrong, John?" she asked as he poured himself a glass of juice and came back to sit at the kitchen counter.  
  
"No," he answered quickly, then just as quickly changed his mind. "I mean yes, there is...Mom, did you love Dad?"  
  
Eleanor Carter was a little taken aback by this question and didn't really know how to answer it. "I'm not sure exactly what you mean..."  
  
"Did you love Dad when you married him or did you just like him? You know, did you love him the second you saw him or was it something you made yourself do over time?"  
  
"You mean was your father my Soul-mate, my one true love," she stated simply, not phrasing it as a question but he answered anyway.  
  
"I guess that's it. So was he?"  
  
"John why do you want to know this now?" she stood up, extremely agitated, and walked over to the sink to wash up her coffee cup. "I have to be in Boston in a few hours. We can talk about this when I get back."  
  
"Mom, please, I need to know now! I need to know that I'm not about to go out and make the biggest mistake of my life today! I need to know that I'm not going to sacrifice everything for what I think is the real-deal only to find out that the real-deal doesn't exist and I'd have been better settling for something comfortable. Mom, I don't want to break my heart!" *That was suitably overdramatic* he thought.   
  
His mother looked over at him and her eyes softened. She walked across the kitchen to the counter and took a seat beside him, placing her hands over his.  
  
"Oh John, you can't save yourself from a little heartache. Yes I loved your father, but was he 'the one'? Probably not...and I think you'll find that he would say the same thing. I married him because he was rich and handsome and he came from a good family, and he married me because I was young, pretty, and would look good on his arm at all the family functions. It was a good match for both of us."  
  
"So you didn't loved dad when you married him..." Carter said thoughtfully.  
  
"I cared for him and I liked him, but as for loving him...I'm sorry to hurt you John, but I don't know that I ever did. I thought that I'd grown to love him but after..." she paused and looked away, tears in her eyes, then regrouped herself and continued "...after your brother died we just grew apart. I think it was then I realised we didn't love each other; if we had then we would have found some way of dealing with the grief. As it was we both just ignored it until it ate away at us and we were just two strangers sharing a travel itinerary."  
  
"I never knew. I'm sorry." He put his arm around her shoulder to comfort her but she just wiped away the tears that were forming and stood up to leave.   
  
"I really have to be going now if I don't want to miss my flight. Tell Millicent not to get her hopes up, I'll be back in a few days." She picked up her coat and bag and bent down to kiss Carter on the top of his head before leaving. She paused for a moment in the doorway of the kitchen and turned to look at her son.  
  
"Don't ever settle," she said, waiting for him to raise his head and acknowledge what she had said. "If you can find somebody you really love and who loves you, don't throw it away because it's difficult. Don't make excuses and tell yourself it's better to be safe than sorry because nobody wins if you do that. You're my son, and you shouldn't have to settle for anybody."  
  
He looked at her for a moment. There was something about what she had just said that sounded so familiar to him, something he and Abby might have talked about once. He wasn't sure, but talking to his mother had for once made him feel a little better, helped him to firm up his resolve for the unpleasant task ahead of him.  
  
"Thanks Mom." She smiled at him and walked out the door.   
  
Carter continued to sit at the counter for a few minutes before getting up and heading out the house, determined to do what he had managed to avoid for months now.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
He walked up the steps at the front of the house and was about to buzz when the door suddenly opened and he found himself face to face with Susan, the woman he had come over to talk to. The woman who, in a couple of minutes, was probably going to want to inflict a great deal of pain onto him.  
  
"Carter!" she sounded a little shocked to find him there and took a step back, but she quickly regained herself and smiled at him, leaning forward to place a kiss on his cheek. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Susan, I think we need to talk. Can we go upstairs?" He was nervous and kept staring at the half-open door, debating with himself whether to push this or turn around and run.  
  
"Sure we'll talk," she said, a little confused by his restlessness, "but couldn't we do it on the way to the seminar? We're going to be late otherwise and I can't deal with one of Kerry's little rants at the moment."  
  
"It's really important Susan. I wouldn't come here so early otherwise." He gave her the puppy dog stare, the one he knew always got him his own way, and he could see her resolve wavering.  
  
"Maybe we could get a cup of coffee or something..."  
  
"We've got time. Trust me."  
  
"Okay then, sure. Come on up." She held open the door for him to enter and they both walked up the stairs to her apartment. Once inside she moved to the kitchen to pour some of the slightly cold coffee into two mugs while Carter took a seat on one side of the coffee table. She brought the mugs into the sitting room and set them down on the table, then took a seat opposite him. She watched him for a few moments, waiting for him to say something, but she could see that whatever nervous excitement had overtaken him downstairs had obviously left him now. The poor boy needed a little push to get his momentum going again so she decided to be nice and give it to him. As he continued to mutter something to himself quietly she broke the silence.  
  
"Come on, spill. What did you have to talk to me about?"  
  
He looked down at his feet for a few moments and took a deep breath, steeling himself up for the torrent of abuse he knew would come after he had finished having his say. Shifting uncomfortably in his seat he eventually raised his eyes to meet Susan's. He cleared his throat and then began to speak.  
  
"It's like this Susan...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"I don't believe it!" Susan slammed down her mug on the coffee table in front of her and stood up. She started to walk away from where Carter had been sitting but changed her mind and started to walk back. She pointed an accusatory finger at him: "You've got a lot of nerve!"  
  
"It's not like you think..."  
  
"It's not like I think???" She laughed incredulously. "Did you just come into my apartment, tell me you wanted to break up with me, and then ask me for my help in getting back together with your old girlfriend? Was that what just happened?"  
  
"Abby wasn't exactly my girlfriend..." he started to say in his defence. Big mistake!  
  
"WAS IT?????!!!!!!!!"   
  
She had started to turn a vivid shade of red, something Carter had decided was not a very good sign at all. In the face of her fury he cowed and lost all his conviction that this was even worthy of being considered a last resort, and answered her like a child being told off by its mother..  
  
"Yes Ma'am."  
  
"THEN IT'S EXACTLY LIKE I THINK! You arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, 'couldn't-be-more-in-love-with-himself-if-he-tried' asshole!!!"  
  
Carter had flinched with every word she said and by the time she had finished he was nothing more than a quivering wreck on her couch. Somehow seeing that she had broken his spirit seemed to calm Susan down almost immediately. She shook her head to see if this feeling of calmness could be shaken off...no, she really did feel better after yelling at Carter. In fact, once the initial shock at being dumped was over she didn't really feel anything. Why was that?  
  
She considered this for a moment as she watched his nervously wring his hands together, waiting for her to resume her shouting at him. He looked so lost: it had obviously taken a great deal for him to come over to see her and tell her how he felt, so she decided to take pity on him. She sat down beside him on the couch and reached out to take his hand. At first he pulled away, but when he realised that she wasn't about to gouge his eyes out with her nails he relaxed a little and let her.  
  
"I shouldn't have said all that to you."  
  
"No, you're right, I am an asshole. There are worse things you could have called me."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Um...Jerk?"  
  
"Prick." She corrected him, joining in the game and finding appropriate insults.  
  
"Dickhead?"  
  
"Bastard."  
  
"Butt-munch..." Susan looked at him and felt the corners of her mouth twitching into a smile. She met his gaze and could see that he had uttered this phrase in all seriousness, causing her laughter to break forth. This lasted for some moments before she managed to get her breath enough to ask:  
  
"Butt-munch? Where on earth did you hear the word 'Butt-munch'?" She was laughing so hard by now that tears were pouring out of her eyes. Carter joined in with her laughter, seeing that she needed it and glad that laughing at him meant she wasn't shouting at him. After a while they stopped laughing and both sat in silence with their thoughts.  
  
"I'm sorry Susan," Carter eventually said, not looking at her.  
  
"No, it's okay. I'm a big girl Carter," she joked, nudging his shoulder to make him lighten up a little. "I knew what I was getting myself in for when I started going out with you. I was never supposed to be The One: You all but told me you didn't want to be the rebound guy and I go ahead and let myself be your transitional person. I guess I was just hoping I'd have you a little longer before you realised that Abby was perfect for you. Selfish I know, but what can you do?"  
  
"Susan, I didn't want to hurt you. I just knew I had to say something before either of us became stuck in something we couldn't get out of, no matter how much we wanted to."  
  
"I understand, but your timing sucks Carter! You couldn't have waited until after the seminar, or maybe even told me yesterday so that I would have had time to deal with it before having to spend the whole day together...oh my God! This is about yesterday isn't it? You're still mad that I spent the night round Mark Greene's house! I can't believe that you would be such a low, petty..." She had worked herself into quite a state again and looked like she was about to attack him so he was quick to reassure her.  
  
"It's got nothing to do with that Susan! I know that Mark's a good friend of yours and I respect him more than anybody; I should never have behaved like a jealous idiot. The truth is that I've been wanting out of this for a while now, almost from the beginning, but I've never broken up with anybody before, they've always been the ones to break up with me. You seemed so happy, though, and I thought that it was just me being stupid and wanting what I couldn't have. Then this whole business with Mark came up and I thought this was my chance, I could turn this into a big deal and maybe you'd be so frustrated at my unreasonable behaviour that you'd dump me and we could both get on with our lives. All I can say is I'm sorry. It was beneath me and unfair to you. I should have just come out with my feelings in the first place."  
  
She had managed to calm down while he was speaking. A lot of what Carter was saying made a lot of sense, they weren't a good couple, but she still wanted to make him squirm for a little bit.  
  
"So you got involved in a relationship with somebody you had no feelings for whatsoever? What would you have done if I had fallen in love with you?"  
  
"You weren't in any danger of falling in love with me and we both know it. You were still in love with Dix, so I was as much your transition guy as you were mine." She had looked up at him as soon as he had mentioned her old boyfriend and stared hard.  
  
"How did you know about Dix?"  
  
Oops!  
  
"Um, I guess you must have mentioned him to me." He was thinking on his feet here, but it was entirely possible that she'd already told him about Dix. After all she was always talking to him about things and he just switched off.  
  
"No, I'm pretty sure I didn't talk to my current boyfriend about my ex."  
  
Crap!  
  
"Well...maybe you told one of the nurses at work and I overheard the gossip." That had to be right. The nurses were always gossiping about something.  
  
"I didn't tell anybody about Dix. That was a part of my life I left behind in Phoenix and I didn't want to be reminded of it all the time. So how did you find out about him?"  
  
Oh God, she's not going to let this one go. This was going to take some clever diversionary tactics.  
  
"It doesn't matter how I found out. The fact is that we both went into this relationship in love with other people. I wasn't the only person using somebody in this relationship, so maybe we should be honest with each other and just call it."  
  
"Yeah," she said sadly, "it was just nice to be with somebody, y'know? I really miss him...Anyway, back to my earlier question," she said, shaking herself out of her little reverie. "Why are you breaking up with me 20 minutes before we have to attend a day long seminar together? Are you some kind of glutton for punishment?"  
  
"No, not exactly!" He laughed at how close her question was to his own thoughts from earlier. "I knew you'd agree with me that this relationship wasn't going anywhere and I wanted to end it as soon as possible. I'm sorry to sound so callous, but I wanted to be able to have a clear conscience when I talked to Abby."  
  
"Ah yes, Abby, the reason we're here today. Not only do you want to break up with me but you want my help in chasing down your next victim."  
  
"Don't pretend to be upset Susan because you've just told me you aren't."  
  
"Who am I to stand in the way of true love. Okay, what do you want me to do?" she sighed. "Talk you up a little bit? Say what a great guy you are?   
  
"I just want to spend a little time with her. She's on shift tonight after the seminar finishes but I want to take her out to dinner, somewhere where we can be by ourselves and just talk without any interruptions. She won't skip a shift if I ask her to but if *you* asked, maybe say that you'd cover for her, she might be more willing to consider it. Just talk to her, you know, woman to woman."  
  
"I can't believe you're asking me to do this..."  
  
"Come on, Susan, as a friend."  
  
"This is possibly the weirdest break-up in history..."  
  
"So you'll do it?" he asked excitedly.  
  
"Yeeees," she sighed, "I'll do it. You're just lucky you're so adorable when you want a favour."  
  
"Thanks you so much Susan." He leant forward and gave her a bear hug. "You've saved my life!"  
  
"I wouldn't go that far. Come on," she said as she pulled free of his embrace and stood up to leave. "Let's go before they start wondering where we are."  
  
He stood up and walked over to the door with her. "Okay, but can we stop off at Starbucks on the way? I want to pick up coffee for everybody." Susan stopped midway down the stairs and stared at him in mock-surprise.  
  
"Who are you and what have you done with John Carter?" she joked. "Why do you want to take coffee in for everybody?"  
  
He thought about this for a second and then smiled at her. "Habit."  
  
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Susan was true to her word and made it her mission to befriend Abby that day. They spent the entire morning holed up in a corner of the lecture hall giggling like schoolgirls, and even though he couldn't hear exactly what they were talking about the occasional looks they sent in his direction told him that he was the main topic of discussion. For the most part he spent the day talking with Luka, getting to know the older doctor and discovering a mutual love of Motzart. Once you got to know him Luka wasn't so bad, Carter decided, and he promised himself that he would make an effort to be nicer to him. Talking to Luka he could see that his interest in Abby was that of a friend, a very good friend, and that any jealousy on his part would be a waste of energy.  
  
Shortly after 11 o'clock Susan left Abby and came over to sit beside Carter. She leaned closer to him and whispered conspiratorially in his ear.  
  
"She's great."  
  
"I know."  
  
"No, I mean it. She's really great. I like her. I should thank you for breaking up with me otherwise I would never have gotten to know her."  
  
"What did you talk about?"  
  
"Everything and nothing. What TV we watch, what food we like...I told her there was nothing between us, that it was over before it started."  
  
"Right," Carter nodded as he listened to her talk, then jumped straight into what was on his mind. "So...did she say anything about me?"  
  
Susan gave a quiet laugh. "You want me to pass her a note in study hall?"  
  
"Susan!"  
  
"Okay, okay. I think if you were to ask her out you wouldn't be disappointed."  
  
"REALLY!?" He was excited by this news and raised his voice without thinking, causing the others in the room to turn and look at him.  
  
"SSHH!" Susan hissed at him as he slumped down in his chair, blushing furiously. "You really impressed her with the whole Whitman thing. Hell, you impressed me as well. I'm beginning to see what a catch I let slip through my hands!"  
  
  
He laughed softly and then reached out for her hand. "Thank-you Susan."  
  
"You're welcome Carter," she said, returning the pressure of his hand. "Now go over there and talk to her...and don't you undo any of my good work over there!"  
  
"Thank-you," he said again before rising and walking over to take a seat beside Abby.  
  
~~~  
  
"Hey Abby."  
  
"Hi Carter. Nice work on the recital."  
  
"Thank you. I'm glad you liked it."  
  
"I loved it, Whitman's one of my favourite poets."  
  
"Really? Mine too!"  
  
"Really? Funny how you can know somebody for so long and never know the little things like that about them."  
  
"Yeah. We've not really been talking much lately, have we? I've missed it...I've missed you. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just go out and talk, catch up on old times?"  
  
"I'd like that. I've missed you too," she said quietly.  
  
"Great! I mean, not great that you missed me, although that is, but not really, but great that you want to go out to dinner, if you do. Do you? How about tonight? We can blow off the others after this thing is over and then go out and get some dinner somewhere. How about Italian? I know you like Italian."  
  
"You're incorrigible!" she laughed, amused by his nervous excitement. "I'd love to, Carter, but I can't tonight. I've got a shift."  
  
"Couldn't you swap? Please Abby, it would be just like old times," he pleaded. He could see that she was wavering slightly and thought he would push a little. "I'll clear it with Weaver if that's what you're worried about?"  
  
This seemed to be the deciding factor. "No," she said firmly as she turned to face him. "Susan's already said that she'd help cover for me. I think I've come down with something walking to this seminar and I'm spending the evening in bed to recover! I'll go in in the morning and will probably have to do all the dirty jobs for a while, but I think it will be worth it," she smiled at him, a broad smile that he returned.  
  
"Excellent. We'll go out to that Italian place round the corner and we can talk, really talk. You won't regret it Abby!"  
  
"I'm beginning to already!" she laughed and they shared a look before the door opened and the seminar leader walked into the room and threw his bag onto the table, bringing them back to the business of the day.  
  
"Could you all come down to the front of the room while I take a register."  
  
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During the rest of the seminar Carter found it hard to keep his eyes off Abby. He found it kind of ironic that they were in the middle of a sexual harassment seminar and he couldn't stop himself from having illicit thoughts about one of the fellow 'students!'  
  
After the seminar they said their goodbyes and walked around the corner to the little Italian restaurant they had noticed earlier. It was quite busy as it was 7 o'clock on a Saturday night, but the manager managed to squeeze them into a corner table. While they waited for the waiter to arrive with their drink order they passed the time discussing Fear Factor, a programme that Carter had become rather an expert in since he discovered that it was Abby's favourite. Again he was forced to admit to himself that it was so bad it was good. He couldn't stop himself in the end, and had managed to get hold of some tapes of old shows. He hated it, but he loved it!  
  
The waiter brought their drinks over and took their order. They ate their meals quietly, occasionally discussing something that had happened at work or a favourite quote from Whitman, and just as the waiter came to take their dishes away a violinist came over and started to serenade them.  
  
"I love a man who can play an instrument," Abby said wistfully, losing herself in the music.  
  
"I can play the piano," he said eagerly, glad to be able to impress her a little more.  
  
"You never told me you play the piano," she sounded a little surprise.  
  
"There is so much you don't know about me Abby."  
  
"I'm discovering that. You read Whitman, you play the piano, you watch Fear Factor...It's like you know exactly what I want from an evening."  
  
Carter shifted uncomfortably as she said this. "Yeah, it's kinda funny!" he laughed nervously. "Listen, do you think we could go somewhere and talk? Maybe back to my place, have some coffee or something? There really is something important I have to tell you," he added, seeing the look of uncertainty in her eyes. She considered a few moments before replying.  
  
"OK," she smiled, holding out her hand for him to escort her from the restaurant. As they walked towards the Carter Mansion he explained to her about the time loop he appeared to be stuck in, how he had tried everything he could to change the events of the day but for some reason he kept waking up in his bed the next day and nothing had changed. He told her about the suicide attempts, his breakdown, even about his little jaunt to Punxatawney, but he decided that he wouldn't tell her about his disastrous attempts to woo her...all he needed right now was another slap around the face.  
  
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They both sat watching the hands of the clock as they moved nearer and nearer to midnight. With ten seconds to go Abby held her breath and gripped Carter's arm tightly and watched the countdown: 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..Midnight.....  
  
Nothing happened.   
  
She looked up at Carter and he looked back at her.  
  
"What?" he said, answering the puzzled look in her eyes. "I never said it happened at midnight!"  
  
"You!" she said, releasing the breath she had held and giving him a playful slap on his upper arm. "I was really worried. I thought you were going to disappear or something!" She started to laugh, partially at herself for being so silly and partially with relief that he was still there.  
  
"I don't know when it happens," he replied, laughing as well. "I just go to sleep and when I wake up it's always 6.30 on Saturday morning...and I've tried not going to sleep but it doesn't work." His tone become more serious, the despair showing through his voice. "Even 5 minutes is enough for the whole thing to start over again."  
  
"You know, you didn't have to come up with this whole X-Files stuck-in-a-time-loop just for me...I would have come over anyway!" she said softly, seductively, trailing her forefinger across his cheek and along his jaw line.  
  
"You would?" he gulped, unsure about what was happening but desperately wanting it at the same time.  
  
"Of course. You did recite Whitman for me, after all, and what kind of girl would I be if I didn't show a little appreciation!" She leaned forward so that her chest was resting against his and placed her hands on his shoulders. Slowly, savouring every moment, she brought her head down to his and met his lips in a slow, soft, knee-trembling kiss. She started to deepen the kiss but Carter pulled away, breathing heavily.  
  
"What's wrong Carter?"  
  
"I can't...that is, I don't want to rush this. I don't know if I could cope seeing you again if anything happened between us tonight and it turned out that I had to repeat the day over again. I'd go mad being that close to you and knowing that you didn't remember any of it, that I had no right to touch you. Couldn't we just sit here and talk? Just enjoy this night together?"  
  
She regarded him for a few seconds before replying.  
  
"Sure Carter," she smiled and pressed a kiss on his lips.  
  
They sat on the bed and talked for hours. Carter was determined to stay awake and savour every moment of being with Abby, but at some point he must have dropped off because the next thing he knew the alarm clock was telling him it was time to wake up... 


	10. Everybody click your ruby slippers toget...

(Last part. Try not to cry! Extra mushy just for you...sorry if I've disappointed anybody!)  
  
Part 10  
  
*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep*  
  
He awoke to the sound of the alarm ringing as he did every morning, but today he couldn't bring himself to move out of the bed. Yesterday had been so perfect, he didn't think he could handle going back to that seminar and seeing Abby looking at him as if it hadn't happened. Now that he knew what they could have had he couldn't go back to being her friend, but at the same time he couldn't bear not to see her. He let the alarm keep ringing and buried his head deep into his pillow as he felt the tears about to overtake him...when he felt somebody reach over and turn off the alarm.  
  
His eyes shot open immediately and he quickly turned over to see who the alarm belonged to. There, lying next to him, propped up on one elbow and wearing an old shirt of his...was Abby! She looked down at him and smiled.  
  
"Sorry I woke you," she whispered, smoothing down his wild morning hair, "I have to be in work in a couple of hours and I need to go home to get changed."  
  
"You're here!" he said,   
  
"I'm here," she said softly with amusement in her voice. "You thought maybe I'd run away from you?"  
  
"But how? I mean, why?"  
  
She laughed outright at this. "Well if you don't want me here then I'll go!" She started to move off the bed but Carter reached out and grabbed her around her waist, pulling her into an embrace.  
  
"I'm never going to let you leave!" he said into her hair, breathing in her scent and revelling in the feeling of just holding her in his arms. "But why are you still here?   
  
"I don't know...maybe you just did something right this time around."  
  
Carter looked at her lying in his arms and took in her words. It felt so natural to hold her like this, to feel her body next to his and to wake up next to her in the morning. "I think you're right," he said. "I did finally do something right." He bent his head down and gave her a slow, lingering kiss that made his skin tingle, and judging by the look on her face she obviously felt the same way. He pulled away from the kiss and looked deep into her eyes, cupping her cheek in his hand.  
  
"I love you, Abby. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. I should have told you, so many times, but I was afraid of how you'd react, that I'd lose your friendship. And I never should have gone out with Susan, not while I was still..."  
  
"Ssh." She put her finger over his lips to stop him talking, and when he was silent she removed her finger and replaced it with her lips, giving him a soft close-lipped kiss. "You don't have to say anything. It's all in the past. We're together now, we love each other, nothing else matters!"  
  
"You love me?" Carter asked her softly, afraid he had misunderstood what she had just said.  
  
"I do."  
  
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"Do you have to go? Can't you just call in sick?" he said, running his hand up and down her back as she sat on the edge of the bed getting dressed.  
  
"John, you're incorrigible!" she laughed, pulling on her boots and then turning to give him a kiss. "You know I'd love to, but I already swapped shifts from last night. Weaver would kill me if I missed two shifts in a row....John, JOHN! I really have to go!" She had difficulty pulling herself away from Carter's embrace and kisses which had interrupted her speech at several points!  
  
"Okay," he groaned, finally releasing her, "but I'm coming to get you for Lunch, no arguments!"  
  
"You won't hear any from me! I'll see you later," she said, blowing him a kiss as she headed out of his bedroom door.  
  
"Abby! Abby wait!" he called out after her, a sudden thought hitting him. He heard her walking back along the hall and a few seconds later her head popped around the doorframe.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you, Abby," he said simply, staring into her eyes.  
  
"I love you too John," she smiled. "I'll see you at lunch...and get some rest!" She blew him another kiss and headed down the stairs and out of the front door, ready for another shift at County General.  
  
Back in the bedroom Carter lay back down against the pillows with a huge smile on his face. It was Sunday, he didn't have to go to a stupid sexual harassment seminar...and Abby loved him! He hugged himself with glee and snuggled down into the covers, thinking about where he would take Abby for lunch and what they would do when she finished her shift.   
  
With his head filled with dreams of Abby and their future life together he closed his eyes, and for the first time in months, John Carter was happy to go to sleep.  
  
FIN  
  
  
(Finally it's finished! I don't know if this felt as long to you reading it as it did to me writing it but I thought it was never going to end! My thanks to everybody who reviewed and wrote to me: Chloe, Kelly, Lynsey, Charlotte, Lily, Theresa, Viki...there are too many to mention. You've all just been so wonderful! Special thanks to Joycelyn Solo who has been great through the writing of this story, providing me with the funniest ideas and encouraging me to post this in the first place. For anybody I haven't mentioned you know I'm thinking of you. I am working on a new story and will be posting that, and reviewing all your stories, as soon as I can get near my computer for more than 5 minutes at a time! Thanks again all!) 


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